Whataburger is the local Promised Land. It’s a place anyone can walk into and feel welcomed, whether they’re drunk, sober, wearing a lace up leather skirt with nipple pasties, or sporting their favorite FSU PJs. The Black Sheep wants to prepare anyone and everyone for this sorority house of fast food. Here are the seven types of people you have seen or will see at Tallhassee’s Whataburgers:
7.) Unamused workers:
These poor souls have been there all night, and the last thing they want to do is try to take an order from a fucked up nineteen-year-old who won’t shut up about all the bitches he was grinding on at The Strip.
6.) Sleazy security:
There’s always one rent-a-cop positioned in between two booths in the back corner shoving his face with a honey butter chicken biscuit whilst “patrolling” the grounds.
5.) Creepy old dudes:
We’re not sure why, but men who seem to be advanced in their years tend to troll both Tallahassee locations looking for a midnight snack if you know what we mean. Mace at Walmart is $10.
4.) Sloppy students:
If you’re a little too drunk to be seen inside a more lavish restaurant like Chick-fil-A but not drunk enough to get food poisoning from Guthrie’s, Whataburger is the place for you. Grab a booth, shove some tots in your mouth, and relax.
3.) The sober friend:
They’re the ones you see constantly getting in and out of their chair to get more ice water, pulling Chad from Lambda Delta Isosceles up off the ground and looking at everyone who passes by with wide eyes that scream, “please fucking help me or keep walking.”
2.) Your ex:
You’ve recently gotten dumped by the love of your young life and decided to have a bit of a wild night, topping it off with a delicious Chop House Cheddar Burger with spicy ketchup, only to see said ex stumble in with a new side piece. Use that spicy ketchup to blind them.
A star employee at Tennessee Street’s Whataburger, Jaquan has quite a fan base. With his luscious locks of hair, dark skin complimented by the bright orange shirt he’s required to wear, and a devil-may-care attitude, he truly is the embodiment of all things good at Whataburger.
The next time you have one too many Y-Bombs or simply crave some meat that won’t require a trip to the gynecologist, head to the orange and white Jerusalem that is WB and treat yourself. You deserve it.