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FSU Advance Party Sweeps SGA Elections, Fulfills Every Promise Made And MORE!


These last few weeks on campus it’s been literally impossible not to notice members of the Vitality and Advanced Parties vying for both your attention and vote. Chaos reigned as promises were made by both parties in regards to what they would do if elected. Finally the Advanced Party swept most of the election, and now, they’re working to make sure that the promises they made, well, actually happen. And to everyone’s surprise, they have. Every single pipe dream and reaching goal has been accomplished.


“In the heat of the moment, a lot of promises were made. I’ll be the first to admit that,” explained Janet Evans, a member of the Advanced Party. “But it’s been one weekend and we’ve already done everything we said we would do. Even the things that we thought would take months. Done. Finish. Mission Accomplished.”


Life is good for Seminoles as of late. The changes had been for the better. Cynics everywhere are at a loss for words because this time around, SGA did something.


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“Politicians are always making promises they can’t deliver on but let’s look at some of the things the Advanced Party promised that have come to fruition,” said Jeffery Baker a member of SGA. “Advance Party promised discounts for students via Uber. Now Uber is free for FSU students. We did it. You’re welcome. We also promised we’d put a Redbox on campus. I’m pleased to announce that now every classroom, building, and hallway on campus comes equipped with a Redbox.”


Some of the other changes that had been put in place include an increase in buses to the surrounding FSU area (over 500 new buses run at the same time now) as well as an expanded wireless network on campus. The wireless network is attached to a new cyber-robotic technology initiated on FSU’s campus called “Skynet.” This new and efficient system is attached to robots that patrol the university enforcing different policies, but more importantly, now Wifi is available everywhere!


“We’re so excited about the changes that have been made to our university as well as the efficiency in the amount of time these changes were implicated. I can’t wait to see what these brave student leaders think of next! I’m personally hoping for a partnership with Vans shoes. Fingers crossed,” said University President John Thrasher.


Immediately after Thrasher uttered these words, the Advanced Party swooped in and gave every student on campus their own pair of White Vans. Thanks to the Advanced Party, you too can be back at it again with the White Vans. Damn Daniel!


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