FSU’s biology department met up this past weekend to discuss the football team’s kicker Ricky Aguayo’s botched dissection of a turtle. After long, painful meetings, the department came to the conclusion that his handling of a dissection required for completion of the class was ‘not okay’.
According to sources close to The Black Sheep, Aguayo decided to perform a more unconventional dissection, opting out of the traditional in-class dissection in favor of an in-fraternity-house dissection.
While this normally goes against their code of conduct, FSU’s biology department made an exception based on the “He’s a Football Player So Whatever” clause commonly employed by department heads. However, after interviewing witnesses and talking to his lab partner Ryan Izzo, the school felt obligated to fail Aguayo in order to avoid bad press.
This isn’t the only consequence of Aguayo’s actions. A football player, who prefers to remain anonymous, spoke to us about the other problems this started.
“Jimbo was always a big turtle guy,” explained our anonymous source who will now be referred to as Benjamin Boonburg. “He had turtle pictures everywhere– in his office, his home, his car. He even had a turtle tattooed on his right bicep that grew every time he flinched at Aguayo missing an easy field goal.”
Other sources close to the matter describe a Jimbo that would dress up as a turtle nightly, parading around his neighborhood and leaving turtle-themed gifts on neighbors’ porches. One neighbor explained to us that he once found Jimbo confused and lost, clutching only his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle sleeping bag and muttering “be like Raphael, be like Raphael, be brave like Raphael.”
However, Boonburg did explain that some good came out of the botched dissection.
“Good news is ducks hate turtles– common nature fact– so when Willie Taggart, head coach of the Oregon Ducks, found out about the turtle problem he jumped to fill Jimbo’s position,” Boonburg said. “Apparently, he’s only taking meetings in the fraternity house where the botched dissection happened, which seems morbid, but what do I know? I’m no coach.”
It’s believed that the department attempted to replace Turntle the Turtle with a Franklin the Turtle plush toy, and when that didn’t work they were forced to fail Aguayo. The biology department declined to comment on the story.
Regardless of what may or may not have happened, The Black Sheep will continue to pursue the truth in an effort to avenge Turntle the Turtle and will update the public as more information is discovered.
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