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FSU Fraternities Ranked Based on How Dirty We Think Their Bathrooms Are

We all remember the age-old expression, cleanliness is next to godliness. College, however, is a place where any regard for godliness is thrown out the window. The best evidence of this lies in Greek life. FSU’s frats have a rich history full of fancy suits, fancy houses, and extremely dirty bathrooms.

6.) Pike:
Compared to the other houses on this list, Pi Kappa Alpha’s house is far from the dirtiest. After all, this is just about the richest frat on campus. Looking at the floor, you won’t find any vomit, but perhaps a few coffee stains here and there. Guess Daddy’s money is worth something after all. That being said, they should really spend some of it on toilet paper.

5.) Phi Kappa Psi:
The next frat on the list really needs to buy a mop. This bathroom is absolutely filthy. Covered in fancy wallpaper and air freshener, this place is far from masculine, and dirties the good, manly name of FSU frats just by existing. Who built this place, a girl? Come on now.

4.) Tau Kappa Epsilon:
If there’s one place in the FSU ecosystem that, if you were to ask the average student if they’d pooped there, this would be the place. It might be laxatives laced into their juice, leftovers from some unsanitary local restaurant (Chipotle), or simply, a curse placed upon one’s bowels when entering the house. TKE earns a #4 spot on the dirtiest bathrooms list because even though they’ve hired a cleaning staff to scrub it down every day, the smells cannot be erased.

3.) Beta Theta Pi:
This bathroom isn’t dirty in the physical sense, but in the spiritual sense. Beta Theta Pi was founded over 100 years ago, in 1839 at Miami University, in Ohio… and that is absolutely disgusting. First of all, anything that’s touched both the words “Miami” AND “university” simultaneously is scum. But what makes Beta Theta Pi’s bathroom completely intolerable is that they weren’t even founded at our rival school, but in a place as irrelevant as Ohio. Do better.

2.) Alpha Tau Omega:
Escherichia coli. The sworn enemy of man’s bowels. Even the slightest infection of E. Coli is so scary, that you’ll literally be crapping your pants all day. At the ATO house, E. Coli doesn’t just live within the bathroom. It’s on the walls, it’s in the kitchen, it’s on the member’s hands, it’s in the member’s mouths, it’s in their driveway, it’s on the surrounding road, it’s everywhere within a 50-mile radius, it’s burning down bookstores, it’s opening coffee shops, it’s gentrifying Tallahassee, it’s conspiring with unknown external forces to take us down from within, and it’s a threat that must be stopped.

1.) Alpha Phi Omega:
Nothing, absolutely nothing, is filthier than selflessness. Giving your time away for the benefit of others really just means that you’ll have less time to keep your own bathroom spotless. Alpha Phi Omega’s bathroom is so dirty that it doesn’t exist. As a matter of fact, they don’t even have a house on campus.

Be careful out there, Noles. With all the colds and flus going around, the last place you want to find yourself stuck in is a dirty frat bathroom. Stay away from these 6 frats if you want to stay clean.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.

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