A question for the ages, an experience you’ll tell your grandkids about, and a drink you’ll never order again. We’ve all been there– a laid-back Friday night, just wanting to eat a dope ass meal and maybe get a little buzz going before going to bed and dreaming of sweeter things like graduation and the 2013 National Championship. But here’s where you went wrong: ordering a Gordos Smash. Those things suck the kidney out of you and make even the strongest of “men” call their best bros asking for a ride home and a bucket to yak in while whispering, “what happened?” into their hands.
We think the better question is: what the fuck is in a smash anyway? There are allegedly 4 types of rum in it, so we took the liberty of assuming which ones.
How else would the strange mixture of tar and tobacco find it’s way on to your tongue?
Spiced Jack No. 94:
Curious as to why the holy hell you’re spinning after one sip? This 94-proof rum sends a swift kick straight to the tonsils (and the asshole).
This shit tastes like someone bottled the part of the Gulf of Mexico where the BP-Oil spill occurred and then sold it off to cheap college kids.
In what world does one drink cause a grown man to lose control of his bowel movements while he’s shlumped over a 4×4 table with a face full of Gordos Sauce? We’ll tell you. A drugged one.
This one gets you drunk, that’s for sure.
Ah yes, their feeble attempt at masking the deadly mix of liquors while trying to pump Vitamin C into your failing organs. Yum!
Thought your stomach wasn’t acidic enough? Think again! Gordo wants each and every one of you to feel like you’re on a tropical vacation, and what better way than to get a sunburn on the inside?
Grenadine (red rum):
There’s no reason this needs to be included in this drink. Its only purpose is to provide a rich, red coloring so it won’t look suspicious when you start shitting blood.
The cherry on top of a delicious concoction is, of course, the sugary rim.
Is this an authentic Cuban cocktail? We’re not sure. But for $10, you can get SMASHED (read: way drunker than you intended).
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