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How To Get An Invite To Coli Now That It’s Hidden In Target’s Basement

Sometimes the end of something good means the beginning of something great. In Tallahassee, the end of Coliseum’s glory days have created space for a new sanctuary – Target on West Tennessee. But there has been rising suspicion that the Coli days aren’t fully over. Could it be that somewhere well beneath the earth’s surface, where it belongs, Coliseum still exists? We sure think so, and we hope you are as determined as we are to get an invite. If a darker, dirtier Coliseum is residing in Target’s basement, a stone’s throw away from hell, we’re going to be there for it.

4.) Whisper the secret password to a cashier:
What you need to do is approach the cashier working checkout kiosk number 3. She is blonde and her name is Samantha. Her light will not be on, and that is how you will know it is her. You need to approach her and motion for her to lean in. You then need to whisper the top secret password in her ear. The top-secret password is “Colimydia.” Don’t worry, she will know what you’re talking about and give you further instruction.

3.) Memorize the secret knock:
There is a suspicious door located in the back of Target labeled “Storage.” We have reason to believe that this is the door that leads to Coliseum. In order to gain access, we assume that there must be a secret knock. Sources have informed us that the secret knock just may be to the tune of the war chant. If that doesn’t work, we recommend trying as many different combinations of knocks as possible on this door.

2.) Buy the secret combination of Target products:
If you get into the checkout line with Nike socks, Red Bull, Champagne, and Pedialyte the cashier will have no doubt in their mind that you are deserving of an invite to Coliseum. The key is to make sure that these goods are rang up in that EXACT order. If they are rung up in a different sequence, the system won’t register the products and the cashier will be unable to extend an invitation to the dark dungeon. How can you enjoy yourself knowing that you’re missing out on your last shot at being soaked with champagne by a complete stranger while simultaneously being trampled?

1.) Wait for the secret invite to arrive in the mail:
When all else has failed, you may have to resort to waiting by the mailbox for your secret invite. In order to receive the invitation, you have to be signed up for both Target’s mailing list and credit card service. Coliseum’s employees only deliver the invite if the person who the letter is addressed to is present. Although you can’t be sure that one is coming, it is best to spend at least 3 hours each day waiting for it to arrive. This will make it unlikely that you will miss the important delivery.

Look, we’re not saying that Coliseum has DEFINITELY been relocated into Target’s basement, but it could have been (it probably is). We are dying to dive back into the dank, dark depths of Coli as soon as possible. Also, if anyone has any further information on how to get an invite, please share. We are absolutely desperate to get in.

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