Sometimes the soul-crushing conclusion that you won’t be the next POTUS is too much to handle. And sometimes, when those times roll around, the only thing that makes you feel better is fapping on a day dedicated to one of the most somber times in your nation’s history. We’re all human. If you ever want to take a note out of formal presidential candidate Ted Cruz’s playbook, but don’t feel like waiting for 9/11 to watch porn online, then here are some tips for some casual boob-tubin’ in your favorite local campus library.
5.) Wear oversized clothing:
You don’t want to call a whole lot of attention to yourself, so wearing tight clothing and showing the whole library the goods is a no go. You need to wear a dark jacket and large sweatpants with some room in them. There’s absolutely nothing suspicious or noteworthy about that.
4.) Buy a mask:
You can’t risk people recognizing you, but you can’t wear sunglasses. There’s always the possibility of your sexy vids being reflected onto your peepers, revealing the dark truth of your computer screen to the guy tutoring a girl across the table. But a mask covers up your whole face, and reflects nothing but the eerie stillness of your features for all to see. A Ted Cruz mask is suggested for this endeavor.
3.) Find a corner on the second floor:
Everyone knows that the higher up you go, the quieter each floor gets. In order to get away with successfully satisfying your fappetite, it’s necessary to find a place that’s secluded, with a touch of noisiness so no one can hear you cranking it in those sweatpants. A corner is best, since you don’t want anyone sneaking up on you in the middle of your biz. In order to properly “Cruz”, you don’t want to be physically caught, you just want the country to see your dirty laundry online.
2.) Use social media to its fullest potential:
Go all out! Look up Thrasher porn on Tumblr, Gator-killing porn on Twitter, or even something on Snapchat if you’re just that savvy. Make sure to watch the whole video through the soulless eyes of your mask with your hoodie up, and then give it a like. Hell, even give it a share, you nutcase. You’ve earned it. You want everyone to know that you just beat your taco in an uncomfortable and inappropriate situation, just like your favorite political figure.
1.) Get Starbucks:
Time to celebrate! Your reputation is almost certainly destroyed and your family will live in shame of your actions. Head on down to the first floor Starbucks and order something that they will definitely be out of. After ordering three or four more times and finally settling for something you don’t really want out of utter defeat, make sure you grab a free water on your way out with the same hand you just Cruz’ed with. Keeping the mask on during this time is optional, but encouraged. Congrats!
Cruzin’ takes a lot of time, vulnerability, and dedication. And hey, if you’re not willing to risk it for a biscuit, that’s what the mask is for.
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