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Judgmental Map of Fort Myers, Florida

It’s common to hear people talk shit about their hometown, especially Fort Myers. “I can’t wait to get out of this shit hole,” is a pretty popular colloquialism used almost exclusively by people who, in fact, will not ever leave. Check out this sick map, detailing a widely agreed upon local perspective of Fort Myers, Florida.

Gateway is like Fort Myers’ weird attempt at replicating Celebration, Florida (deep cut). Gateway is riddled with small Californian looking boys wearing backwards flat-brims and their parents who are super insecure because they’re not sure if they’re living the dream or not. Humblebrags echo across the infinite retention ponds and golf courses situated weirdly close to houses. If you’re looking for a bunch of linoleum and also the authentic high school experience, look no further than Gateway Charter High School, which you’ll share with middle schoolers and also somehow looks like an early 2000s preschool.

If you’re looking for the comic book high school experience, Riverdale is the place for you. Nothing says freshmen orientation like really confused teenage rednecks screaming racial slurs out of the back of their giant pick up trucks as they wave a confederate flag around. It’s not their fault though, they learned the behavior from similarly confused middle-aged rednecks. If you want a serious education the literal only thing to do is complete Riverdale’s International Baccalaureate program.

Fort Myers Beach:
This place is renown for its frequent ass shaking contests, during which two things happen literally every single time; a guy joins in as a fantastic display of male humor, and at least one girl shows her boobies because she can feel victory slipping from her grasp. If you’re looking to see people who cannot fight, fight one another over literally nothing, walk a little bit south of the Lani Kai and just chill for like five minutes. This is Fort Myers at it’s most primal. This is OUR Sodom and Gomorrah and as nasty as it is, it’s also a blasty.

In the end Fort Myers is actually not that bad. It’s extremely diverse, a mere 20 minute drive can take you to places that seem like they’re from a completely different state, like all the fucking corn everywhere.  

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