You’ve got a secret admirer. Okay, well, it’s not a secret anymore, but I love you. A lot. And you should know, that even though we’re 3-5 and it’s harder than ever to keep my heart fluttering for you, I rate you a perfect 10-10.
I’ve been watching you for several years now. As with any voyeur, you had no idea. Since 2013 I’ve watched you coach the team from the comfort of my sofa, and I couldn’t get it out of my head how good your record had been. Heck, I even applied to FSU to be closer to you. Once I received my FSU acceptance, I declined my acceptances from Harvard and Fartmouth to become one of Jimbo’s Noles.
Some might say that the Winston era was your peak, but in reality, you’re yet to even reach your peak. If you ask me, your prime will be when you fall in love with me, because I’ve already fallen for you. I have exactly 17 Jimbo posters on my dorm wall. Eventually I ran out of space, so the rest were just plastered all over my roommate’s side of the room. My undying devotion has resulted in a considerable amount of conflict. But they say that people become fools for love.
Speaking of falling, our season is not going well. At all. God, we actually suck. Okay, I didn’t mean that, Jimbo, you’re amazing. It’s the team that sucks, not you. A famous coach once said that we are not defined by the number of times we lose, but by how we take those losses, get back on our feet, and come right back to lose even more games. Blind positivity is enticing and all, but the mark of true love is willingness to accept and diagnose things as they are, instead of just ignoring what’s not all good and perfect.
You know, I’ve never seen such great a trainer as you. You were the first person I ever knew as the FSU coach. I had never even heard of Bobby Bowden until I looked his name up on Google about five minutes ago. Dan Marino? Vince Lombardi? Who???
You might be confused– I’m out here claiming to be head over heels for you, but also criticizing our currently-pitiful season record? See, Jimbo, this isn’t the kind of love an ordinary lover gives you. This is tough love. The kind of love your mother gives you… after she yells at you publicly for talking back to her at Wal-Mart.
Jimbo, I already have to leave you. I know that we’ve just gotten started, and we had so much potential, but it’s time for me to go my own way. Like virtually every college football fan ever, I’m really only a fan because I go here. When we win, I’m a diehard Nole. However when we lose, I couldn’t care less for college football. So now that we’re in the dumps, you’re getting dropped. Sure must suck to be a scrub.
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