We’ve all been there. You’re getting ready for the new semester to start, your FASFA is filed, and you’re waiting for the money to roll in. That is, until the unexpected happens and the Office of Financial Aid throws more paperwork at you. Sure, in theory, you could call the office and see what happened, but are you really willing to sit through 45 minutes of a static-y, Gregorian chat rendition of the Hymn to the Garnet and Gold? So, who’s the brains behind this operation? Who set up this horrendous system? Well, the truth’s out. It’s the Devil and we scored an exclusive interview with him.
The Black Sheep: Why take over Financial Aid?
The Devil: The year was 2007. I was just wrapping up my involvement with Steven Avery’s case, now famous thanks to Making a Murderer. You’re welcome for that, by the way. Anyhow, I was looking for a new project so I figured, what the hell, why not get into government? Then I figured, why not take government and pair it with university-level bureaucracy? Been at FSU ever since. Love the school. Try to make it out to a game when I can. I was at the Georgia Tech game. It was a lot of fun for me.
TBS: What’s your goal in involvement with Financial Aid?
The Devil: Pain. Suffering. The usual. You know that moment when you realize that you can’t afford your textbooks so you defer payment to financial aid? I find overwhelming satisfaction in holding onto your money so you’re just sort of left in limbo. It’s a hobby.
TBS: Walk us through your thought process in restructuring Financial Aid. Why does it run the way it does?
The Devil: First thing I did when I got there was fire everyone. Immediately replaced them with college students with absolutely no experience and social skills. The ruder they are to confused students, the better. I take great pride in personally assigning financial holds on accounts. Have you ever had an accidental hold placed on your account? Hilarious! That’s always me. I also came up with financial aid reevaluation. It’s essentially this thing where we “randomly” select students who have all their paperwork completed and make them do it all over again just for fun. Side note, if you feel like we are personally attacking you, all of us here at the Office of Financial Aid just want to let you know that you are 100% correct. We have chosen you and will make every disbursement of your college career a living my home (chuckles). Get it? Hell.
TBS: Any big plans for the year?
The Devil: Do you mean outside of my role in financial aid? Probably just further heightening racial tension. I’ll see where to go from there.
Next time you’re frustrated with financial aid, you know who to thank.
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