On December 14, 2017, Gaines Street’s International Book Mine burst into flames of Ray Bradbury proportions. As fire department crews hosed the building, the Tallahassee staple descended into nothing but (what everyone assumed was) a pile of metal and ash.
This morning, more than a month after the fire, Tallahassee residents reported multiple sightings of living humans underneath the bookstore rubble, arms outstretched, hoping that somebody, anybody, would notice them.
“You won’t believe this. There appears to be survivors in the rubble!” First eyewitness and Avant-Garb employee Jenny Sanderson said. “I’m not lying, I-I-I swear… I just saw some human heads poking out from under the building.”
The rubble survivors turned out to be the local Olo crew, who had seemingly faded into obscurity after two flopped videos of drunken tomfoolery. Though every person with any sense had seemingly long forgotten about them, rumor and urban legend had it that the Olos were still making and publishing videos.
Billy, a sophomore at FSU who was the first to watch and “dislike” the Olo videos on YouTube, said, “I dunno about that, man. I don’t think anybody still watches that crap. It was like what, Jersey Shore 2.0? It just struck as a bunch of wannabes grasping for attention where it wasn’t going to be given.”
We wanted to go to the Olos themselves for an interview, but we didn’t even have to: they grabbed on our legs, begging for camera time as soon as we entered their vicinity.
“YEEEEEEEEOOOO!!!!” said Olo Moe, punching Olo Connor until he collapsed out of the way. “What’s up, Mom? I finally made the big screen. This place was LIT last night, man. Like, on fire.”
Olo Moe was not the only one to recount the details of that fateful night.
“Bro, you gotta watch episode 6 when we post.” Olo Andrade told The Black Sheep while stepping on Maci’s foot to reach reporters. “We were all drunk as hell, obviously. We’re live, bro.”
We were unable to get any response out of the Olos as to whether they were aware that the now-burnt building was once an iconic intersection of literature from far and wide. Instead, they continued to recap their antics from the night before, detailing all the events from when they first started their pregame, to when the book store went up in flames.
“The girls were ugly but at least I got to bone,” said Olo Moe in a seemingly robotic cadence. While this detail didn’t seem to fit the night’s timeline of events, investigators are just glad there were no casualties.
Tallahassee will forever mourn the loss of the Book Mine, a spot as recognizable as the colleges within this city. However, there is no need to cry. Although we’ve lost one symbol of Tallahassee, we still have a group of people whom nobody really cares about: the Olos.
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