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President Thrasher Rewards Greek Life for 5 Months of Sobriety

Five months ago, President Thrasher banned FSU Greek life activity, and as a well-known “party school,” the Seminoles’ reputations suffered. Gone were the days of booze and babe-filled nights, and instead were functioning livers and a 2.0 grad average. Needless to say, it was chaos.

“I honestly can’t even believe I made it a week, let alone five months,” said sophomore Omega Chi Triangle pledge, Justin Michael Scott. “I was so pumped to party with my bros and show them how hard I can rage to earn my place in the brotherhood, but instead, all my hazing consisted of was doing their stats homework and wearing a fudgin’ dress.”

The alcohol ban was officially lifted earlier this week, bringing with it a sigh of relief from frat bros around Tallahassee.

“It’s not that we need alcohol to have fun or get chicks, it’s more like, a helping hand if you will. No one wants to talk to us sober, ew,” Kappa Tau Rhombus President, Chad, said.

“I just think they were so brave, ya know?” recent FSU grad Michael Todd told us. “I don’t know how they did it. I would have been terrified. No alcohol? For five months? Can you imagine all the sober thoughts they had? And the way they must have been acting. How embarrassing.”

All parties will be held effective immediately. No fat or ugly chicks allowed. Your best bet is to go troll Heritage and listen for the familiar notes of “God’s Plan” by Drake to find the most hoppin’ party in town.

“So long, C+ average. Sayonara, operational brain cells. I’m ready to fucking RAGE! Has anyone seen blow-up Sally?” one of Chad’s pledges screamed while on an elevated surface.

“I think they’ve learned their lesson,” fellow Greek life member Angela said. “It was so sad watching these boys with so much life left to live waste away doing homework and watching nature documentaries. I missed my rowdy little guys. Thrasher made the right call, for sure.”

All fraternities will receive a commemorative plaque marking this extraordinary achievement in not just FSU, but Greek history.

Now that the ban has been lifted, expect some crazy shit this weekend, as it’s the first official one post-prohibition. We suggest stocking up on Pedialyte and personal IV bags before going full on balls to the wall. And always remember, “we’re not suspended, you’re suspended.”

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