By now we’ve all heard Senator Marco Rubio’s “remark” about FSU…and if you haven’t, climb out from underneath the dank hole you’ve been living in and get on the Internet. In an interview for Iowa KNXO 1460 AM, Rubio discussed his former education and stated, “Look, I don’t have anything against Florida State. I think there has to be a school where people that can’t get into Florida can go to college, and so that’s why we have Florida State.” After the statement spread beyond the thirty 90 year olds who listen to AM radio still, the student body was in an uproar. Even the elderly man outside of The Union who joyously sings and waves around a sign that says “Slave the Clitoris” was seen furiously running around with a new sign; “Castrate Rubio.”
Following the release of the statement and the subsequent student reaction, John Thrasher lost control over his bowel movements and promptly shit his pants. After getting his shit together (literally…it was gross) and recouping from the defecating devastating news from the senator, Thrasher was able to compose his own statement. “He’s a nice kid, I’m sure he’s frustrated by his low standing in the polls, which I believe could be a reflection of where he got his education.”
Thrasher, dropping the mic and high on praise from his comment, then announced plans to run against Rubio in the 2016 election. He has not commented on any political issues except to say that he plans to spearhead (here we go, it’s heatin’ up now) his campaign against Rubio using his former education and the entire FSU student body. He has also hired Osceola and Renegade to be his campaign managers.
Rubio’s only retaliation thus far, has been airing an attack ad of him completely shirtless and mounted on a gator, with a Seminole hanging from its jaws. Rumors are circulating that Rubio’s campaign manager was unable to have the alligator trained for the photo. UF saved the day by lending one of their football players in lieu of the gator and Photoshop was left to do the rest!
Yet another attack ad by Rubio’s campaign.
Donald Trump recently revealed to his devoted followers and the general public that he intends to team up with Thrasher to take down Rubio. They have even formed a name and slogan for their new partnership: “Tn’T: We’ll use our money to better the country and our age to explosive diarrhea on Rubio’s campaign.” Renegade and Osceola have coordinated Thrasher’s campaign to be centrally located at Doak Stadium, with the exception of one visit to The Swamp for a photo-shoot involving the Tn’T relieving themselves on the touchdown line as Osceola and Renegade ride off into the sunset.
Focus groups have been responding positively to the duo. One participant commented, “I like them together, they’re relatable. I feel like those are the kind of guys you could hang out with and just chill while trying different ‘comb-over’ styles on each other.” Thrasher’s announcement for candidacy brings fame to the name that is FSU, and we, the supporters, cannot wait to see what shit he has planned for us next.
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