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Reserved President’s Seat Left Defecated After ‘The Addams Family’ Performance

After a weekend full of singing, dancing, and spooks in the Fine Arts Building, the students and faculty of FSU have unlocked a mysterious case. A seat in the Fallon Theatre was found vandalized following this past Saturday’s performance of “The Addams Family”. According to Head Usher Joshua L. Bertinski, the seat, F38, is traditionally reserved for the university president.

“The other ushers and I were sweeping the theater when we noticed an ungodly scent coming from the middle of the rows,” Bertinski said. “When I approached F38 with gloves and a magnifying glass, my gag reflex revealed that the substance smeared on the seat was, in fact, fecal matter. Whose feces? We’re unsure.”

Whether it was an act of vandalism or an accident, the feces aspect of it is, purportedly, not too surprising. FSU’s production of “The Addams Family” is a frightening work of art, from the ghostly ancestors who come out of a tomb to the large monster that pops out from under Pugsley Addams’ bed.

The cast of “The Addams Family” is baffled. Tree #2, Timmy Terence, specifically.

“We were just doing our jobs as actors and, yeah, we might’ve taken it too far. I know my portrayal of a tree might give audience members mild gas, but the girl who plays Wednesday Addams makes me release a little turd myself during almost every show. She’s scary! The cast knows the show is chilling, but were we expecting to make Thrasher release a dookie into his Hugo Boss slacks? Who’s to say.”

Rudy Lee, assistant to the assistant stage manager, doesn’t want people jumping to the conclusion that Thrasher was the one who pooped himself.

“The cast has to give President Thrasher the benefit of the doubt. Though I did see him go out the emergency exit door during bows, I don’t think he’d want to take any of the spotlight away from the musical theatre students, or ruin his suit for this show.”

Another eyewitness and FSU Mom, Kendra Sims, supported Rudy’s claim, saying she saw Thrasher “limp out, with a tear in his eye.”

Thrasher declined to comment on the story, but rumor has it he was spotted buying wipes and adult Huggies at the CVS on Pensacola on Sunday morning. The theater has since decided to save the piece of furniture as a memento of a successful performance.

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