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Shit You’re Just Too Old for at FSU

There are some things that you just can’t keep up until you’re a senior. Sometimes that initial rush of freedom when we’re freshmen makes us do dumb and sometimes even lame things. Here’s some shit you’re definitely too old to be doing at FSU.

White Trash Wednesdays at The Strip:
Alright people, it’s time to pull up your big boy and girl pants and go to a real club. Really, the only appeal of The Strip is its close proximity to campus and disinterest in whose drinking what illegally. Are you going ironically? Doesn’t matter because guess what kiddos: you can do all that with just a little bit of class at any one of the night clubs that are just a little bit further from campus.

Drip-drying at AEPi:
There comes a point in your life when you need to stop settling for sticky bathrooms devoid of toilet paper, soap, and, oftentimes, running water. Treat yourself with some respect and go to a suave bar in Midtown, or a house party where the jello shots probably aren’t just jello.

Going to every single SLC movie:
It’s nice to see all the free, quirky indie movies, blockbusters, and classics at the SLC. But four times a week? Come on. You can catch The Shawshank Redemption on TBS every single day with more freedom to take bathroom breaks. It’s okay, nobody’s going to know that you watched this Frank Darabont classic in 480p on your 14-inch screen instead of on 35mm film with surround sound and a massive screen that shows each of Morgan Freeman’s individual mustache hairs.

Swimming in the Recess cesspool:
Sure, when you’re a freshman it’s all fun and games to throw yourself into the rooftop pool. Or have a couple drinks, brush up against somebody, lose your balance, and “accidentally” take a plunge in the deep end. But by the time you’re an upperclassman, your body will no longer be able to take all the bacteria swimming around. What, did you think it was a clean pool? That the alcohol hitting the water would somehow be enough to counteract all the filthy bodies and their excrements that have been in the pool before you?

Caring about Jimbo Fisher’s alleged toupee:
Now, this isn’t just because we’re 3-5 and might not go to a single bowl for the first time in years. It’s because spreading rumors is childish. We all know about Jimbo’s faux ‘do. Just look at his head; it screams “covered bald spot.” But leave the guy alone. You’re definitely too old to care, even if the rumors are [obviously] true.

Well that’s it for you, you sprouting adolescents. Go enjoy a cig break at Lake Ella with your favorite professor, or a quirky movie night on the WaterWorks patio (NOT the SLC).

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