This past week, FSU student Merissa White realized that the holidays were fast approaching and the thought of delicious turkey and gravy in her mouth made her heart smile. Then, Merissa realized she would have to interact with her family, and she suddenly wanted to vomit.
When asked about her previous Thanksgiving experiences, Merissa admitted, “Yeah, the food is great and everything. But my family asks me questions about my life as if I have answers. I don’t know shit about my life.”
Thus, The Black Sheep stepped in on the issue and offered one of our own to be a “ghostwriter” for Merissa’s Thanksgiving experience. Here are some sample answers for Merissa that we provided in anticipation of her nagging family.
“Yes, grandma. There is a cute boy in my class. He is very nice and tall and I can definitely see us getting married in the near future.”
All grandmas in the world are living vicariously through the romantic lives of their grandchildren. Therefore, we are encouraging Merissa to tell her grandma that she has found some boy to spend the rest of her life with, even if the reality is that she’s never gotten past stalking that cute boy on Instagram.
“I’m currently studying Biology. I’ll probably get a job that is relevant to Biology as soon as I graduate and contribute to the U.S. economy.”
When all else fails, just try and convince your family that you’re going to contribute to the economy. Also, it might help to say that you are majoring in Biology or Stats, even if that’s not true. 10/10 of your elders will not interrogate you about those majors.
“Of course, mom. I’m always careful on the weekends. I usually like to stay home and just take a hot bath. Because alcohol isn’t cool.
Moms like to know that the care packages they send you are being used very wisely. Also, it usually helps to avoid the fact that most of your weekends are spent at The Strip with your friends. We gave Merissa the appropriate dialogue to ease her mother’s worries about the weekends.
“Yeah, you’re totally right about those political views. We want whatever is best for this country.”
Merissa anticipates that she’ll probably be approached with some sort of political question over the holidays. Therefore, we gave her the most neutral answer possible, as to not start any family drama. However, it is Thanksgiving, and drama is almost always guaranteed, so hold onto your turkeys ladies and gents.
At the end of it all, Thanksgiving is about avoiding any possible drama. We wish Merissa and everyone else going home for the holiday the best of luck avoiding family interactions and vulnerability. Our ghostwriter here at The Black Sheep has already started preparing a script for your Christmas celebration. Cheers to the holidays!
If you woke up this morning surrounded by ravaged Lunchable boxes, this is for you: