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Studies Show Students With 8 A.M. Classes In HCB Are Taller Than You, Recycle, And Have Really Nice Skin

A recent study performed by Florida State University has found evidence that attending 8 a.m. courses in the HBC is positively correlated with being an all-around better person than everyone else.

Is there something to be learned from students such as these? Normal people think not.

“I once knew a guy who attended an 8 a.m. baby bio class freshman year,” recalls FSU senior Michael Monroe. “The dude was, like, 6’4” and showed up to class an hour early with a coffee in hand every damn day. And he had the clearest skin I have ever seen in my entire life. Dude was nuts.”

According to the study, students who attend 8 a.m. classes are also much more likely to be taller than you, recycle, and remember to call their grandma on their birthday every year. If you have seen American Psycho, Patrick Bateman’s morning routine might come to mind. And yes, that is exactly how these students get ready each and every morning before they head off to dissect frogs and remind the professor about the pop quiz.

Local psychologists are looking to organize a second study centering around these overly productive students.

“It just isn’t natural,” said Dr. Maya Randolf. “Like, what’s wrong with you? We want to know what is wrong with your brain. What are you trying so hard for? What, is the big nerd convention in town or something? I’d bet they’re all virgins, too. Seriously, what a bunch of losers.”

Although it may seem as if these students have it easy, evidence has shown otherwise. For many students who take classes at 8 a.m., there is much to do to prepare to be this productive throughout the day, such as meal prep 700 pieces of chicken breast and 300 pounds of broccoli for the year. In addition to hours of cooking, these students must spend a minimum of 14 hours a day at the gym to maintain their perfect fat-to-muscle ratio. It would be almost impossible to maintain a 4.0 GPA without a set of washboard abs and skull-crushing quads. 

If you happen to see one of these incredible students on campus, be sure to congratulate them on their accomplishments.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.

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