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Thrasher Ungrounds Greek Life, But Only if They Promise to be Good Boys and Girls

After three months of being sent to their rooms without supper, FSU’s President Thrasher has decided to “unground” the university’s Greek community on the condition that they promise to be really, really good from now on.

Earlier this week Trasher announced to the university that if the children “promised not to make teenagers drink until they die or anything” that he would allow them to resume recruitment and philanthropic activities. 

“They’ve just been so good lately,” Thrasher stated. “Like I told them before I wasn’t mad, just disappointed. After thinking long and hard about it, it seems like they’ve been punished long enough.”

Members of the Greek community are “ok, fine” with their new restricted privileges, but most are still a bit grumpy about not being able to play with who they want, when they want to. 

“I mean thanks I guess, Daddddddd,” said little baby frat boy Tommy Jackson, crossing his arms in front of him. “But I still don’t think it’s very fair that I can’t a make all the younger kids sneeze beer out of their noses or drink my pees if I want to. Charity is dumb and stupid if you’re not able to drink 1,000 beers after and I don’t want to do it and I’d rather just quit and play video games alone ugh.” 

Thrasher also stated that if sororities and fraternities remain on their best behavior, invite everyone to play nice with them, and offer to share their toys with those that don’t have them, then he might allow them sandbox privileges again.

“The kids have proved to me that they want to be good boys and girls,” Thrasher continued. “They’ve promised me they won’t be meanies anymore, and gosh darnit how can I not believe them? Plus a lot of Greek alumni and family donate a lot of money to this school, but that has nothing to do with any of this.” 

Since Monday the kids have been reported to be playing nice so long as Dad’s watching, and the FSU community is anxious to find out whether this will be a good lesson for the little guys, or whether they’ll merely fall back on old habits of being pieces of shit

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