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Top 10 FSU Resources Nobody Uses Because They’re Stupid

FSU prides itself on giving its students all the tools they need to succeed. But if we’re being honest, some of these resources are pretty useless. Here are the top ten FSU resources nobody will ever use because of how extremely dumb they are.

10.) The gyms:
This is clearly just gym rat propaganda. I mean, the Leach, Tully, AND Health and Wellness? Who needs three gyms when you can just rep your car at home? Here’s a tip FSU, when spending tuition money on something be sure not to repeat yourself and spend twice what you need to.

9.) The Career Center:
Career advising? Mock interviews? Reese’s pieces in every single bowl? Landing a job isn’t hard people; just submit your resume online at the job of your dreams, and don’t act too eager about it. No need to let some “career liaison” tell you what to do when the best job they could get was “career liaison”, amiright?

8.) The sidewalk:
The campus sidewalks are long and crowded. They only serve to inconvenience us with bikers, pedestrians, and informational chalk messages en route to class. Get rid of them and spend the money on something we really need, like fast food. We need more Chik-fil-As, and we need them NOW.

7.) The dining halls:
The dining halls are some of the only places on campus where you can get things like salad. But FSU is clearly a vegetable-dry campus, evidenced by the unanimous decision to replace the only other somewhat healthy joint with Four Rivers.

6.) The University Counseling Center:
Feeling stressed about classes? Feel like you need to talk about all the concerns and uncertainties of life with a trained professional? Well, tough. You should face your problems like a real alpha male by repressing them until the pain subsides and you’re left an empty and emotionless shell of a person, like a real man.

5.) University Health Services:
Not only does HWC have a gym, but it’s also like, a hospital or whatever. Do yourself a favor and let your body fight that rampaging infection on its own. It’ll be better in the long run because your body will build up and immunity and you can avoid the inevitable awkward interaction with the doctor when you show them your wart-infested pee-wee. That building is confusing anyway.

4.) The parking garages:
FSU parking garages are a waste of time and space because there’s never even any parking in them. What’s the point? Use all that room for important things, like bathrooms.

3.) The wifi:
This is a SCHOOL. Why would you encourage mobile access with not one, but TWO wifi options? Let us unplug and focus on the white board for once! Jeez!

2.) The Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life:
Uhhhh, for obvious reasons.

1.) The Student Government Association:
So what does Tallahassee, the state capital need? Oh more governments and politicians obviously! Here’s a message for all those running for SGA positions, why don’t you just take your political science degree over to the state building where somebody will give a damn. We’re adults, we don’t NEED leadership.

At the end of the day, FSU is an institution. Why waste any time and money on ridiculous resources we’ll never use? Come on FSU, you’re better than that.

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