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Florida State University

University to Address Tallahassee Traffic Suckfest

If you live on this campus and drive a car you know what it’s like to navigate through the maze of assholes that is Tallahassee. For freshmen who have just started and may not be familiar with the horror of trying to get from point A to point B — JUST WAIT. In lieu of FSU students’ increasing rage, steps are being made by the university, not the city (let’s be real), to relieve some of the petrifying anxiety associated with even glancing at a traffic light.

To start, the FSU administration recently announced the addition of several courses to the “It’s All Academic” list, one of them being “Introduction to Using the Blinker.” The course comes highly recommended by faculty and is proven to effectively demonstrate a vital task of driving that everyone seems to have ripped out of their brain and violently run over. Instead of giving citations for reckless driving, the Police Department is offering to fund the course for frequent offenders.

Officer Dave Sanderson gave a statement on its unveiling: “Affirmative. Said course will be paid for upon violating code 11-69, (in layman’s terms, not using your GOD DAMN blinker), and as an officer of the law I condone such expenditures. Over and out.”

This well-rounded quote serves as a reassurance for drivers who are physically unable to lightly press down on a lever. For students who have too many hours to take the course, worry not, because we have come up with a 5-step guide for using a blinker:


Step 1: Locate the lever near or on your steering wheel (this is the one you will use for the blinker).

Step 2: Acknowledge that this lever does in fact have a function and is not just there for decoration.

Step 3: Note that before switching lanes or turning, this is the lever you’ll use to alert those around you of your slight change in direction.

Step 4: Once you have decided which direction to turn/switch lanes, press the lever down to signal left or up to signal right.

Step 5: When you are done switching lanes, reposition the lever to the neutral position. This will stop your blinker from incessantly blinking.

Congratulations! You have now taken one step towards NOT being an asshole while driving.

There is also an increasing rate of anger management cases among the student population that the university will address. In addition to “Introduction to Using the Blinker,” FSU is offering free anger management sessions at the Health and Wellness Center. Although the Health and Wellness Center is bound to patient confidentiality, a frequent attendee of the sessions has agreed to anonymously discuss what drove (drove-get it? … sorry) her to start going to the sessions.

“I got in my car after a College Algebra exam with Blackwelder and was on my way home. The traffic was really bad and I was stuck at red light on Stadium Center — that really special one with the ‘No Turn On Red’ sign for like 20 minutes. At this point I was starting to get really pissed and under the fog of anger I started going the wrong way down the one-way street behind Sweet Shop. I was livid by the time I got home and couldn’t control myself — I picked up the Cabbage Patch kid I sleep with and beat the shit out of it. At the end of my tantrum the doll had lost a lot of stuffing and it didn’t look like she was going to make it. That’s when I knew; I have anger management issues because of Tallahassee traffic.”

Save your Cabbage Patch kid the physical abuse, go to a Health and Wellness session, encourage your fellow drivers to take the blinker course, or for a more permanent solution just stop driving altogether.


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