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Woodward Starbucks’ Green Cups to Get Deported


This year, Starbucks Corp released their new cup design on November 1st, which celebrates community. So, in other words, a bunch of “d-bags who hate Christmas” got mad so they had to change the red cup design. The green cup, according to Starbucks, “represents the connections Starbucks has as a community.” However, the attempt to resolve the red cup problem has created even more backlash in the community. We sent a few of our writers to the campus of Florida State University to try to better understand the issue.


This past semester, a group of students at FSU were getting upset that the green cups were taking all the attention away from the spirited red cups that have always been in control.


“I was pretty pissed off when I heard that there was going to be green cups,” admitted Don. “I always thought that the green cups were pretty ugly. So I told my mom about it and then she called and complained.”


We asked another student, Kimberly Mass, why she didn’t like the green cups.


“Honestly, I don’t really have a good reason. One day I just looked at a green cup and decided I didn’t like it. I even boycotted Starbucks for like a day by ordering their drinks and telling baristas my name was Red Cup. I think it worked.”


Therefore, Starbucks made the unanimous decision to have the green cups at the Woodward location on FSU’s campus deported. All of the green cups will be sent far away from the Starbucks and extensive security measures will be taken to make sure that they never come back.


Furthermore, it was rumored this semester that John Thrasher is going to enact a security plan to prevent the green cups from entering the campus of Florida State. According to these rumors, the plan will look something like this:


  1. Separate the red cup drinkers from the green cup drinkers
  2. Build a wall around the Woodward Starbucks so that no unauthorized coffee drinkers can get in


Anyone who is caught drinking coffee out of a green cup will have to suffer serious consequences. If you are seen drinking out of a green cup, you will be immediately kicked out of school. If you are seen drinking out of a cup that is any other shade of green, then you will be forced to wear a Scarlet G. Therefore, everyone will know that you are a “Green Drinker” and you most likely hate Christmas. You do not want to be a Scarlet G at Florida State University.


So if you like to drink out of a green cup, the reality is that you just don’t have enough holiday spirit and no one is going to want to drink coffee with you.




Ever wonder why your b-hole stings after a night of boozing? Here’s your definitive guide to D.A.D.S.



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