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‘Yeah, It’s Cause WE’RE the Elite 8,’ Said Fraternity Bros After FSU Loss

Dreams students had for the FSU basketball team were shattered last weekend after a loss to the University of Michigan. The basketball boys were unstoppable all season, but once the team made the Elite 8, their ball didn’t make the basket. The team says there’s no one to blame, but a group of frat boys claim otherwise.

A clique from a fraternity, has come forward with reasoning behind FSU’s loss. The boys, donning backwards snapbacks, call themselves the Elite 8. The origins of the group lead back to a 1933 fraternity hazing incident where pledges were forced to drink an entire liter of pig semen. Only eight of them agreed to do it, while the others quit. Those eight, brave men came out alive and named themselves the Elite 8. Their great grandsons uphold the nickname today.

The leader of the group, Brandon Breck– Breck to his friends– said his “tight squad predicted this shit.”

Breck’s sidekick, Jayson Lock, agrees.

“Yeah, that’s cause WE’RE the Elite 8. No one else can be called that, no matter what sport they play. And who cares if those guys are 7 ft. tall and can dribble a ball? I dribble boobies on the reg.”

Other members of the gang supported Jayson with echoes of “Ayyyyy.” According to member Jordan Jeffries, the frat group has a grudge against the basketball team.

“I bet they don’t get as much P-U-$-$-Y as we get,” said Jeffries, spelling out “P-U-dollar sign-dollar sign-Y.”

Regarding basic basketball knowledge, the boys seem to think a three pointer is another name for a threesome and refer to FSU coach Leonard Hamilton as “gay” and claim “the man has no clout.”

Meanwhile the other five of the eight members of the Elite 8 apparently don’t quite know why the Elite 8 hates the basketball team besides the “taking of their name,” but Breck appears to think that the basketball boys are a threat to their “lady game”.

“As a man reaching heights of 5’8, making $9 an hour in a sorority house, I find it honestly rude that these guys think they have any chance with the girls when I’m in the picture,” said the group leader and Kappa Alpha Theta kitchen boy. “Just because they can score a basket doesn’t mean they can score my chick.”

This frat group may think that the basketball team is out of March Madness because of them, but like any basketball team, the Elite 8 can blame luck and skills for their outcome. Hopefully next year FSU will make it to the Final Four and can avoid this quarrel from rehashing.

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