Fat’s: a haven for drunkenness and poor decision making. Whether you’re a die-hard Fat’s-goer that shows up at 7 on a Wednesday to beat the line for Ladies’ Night or just a casual patron that waits till midnight when the line has died down to get your $2 slushy on Tuesday, Fat’s has something for everyone, especially your drunk friend Amy, who’s guilty of all of the following:
10.) Danced on the bar:
With all the videos that have surfaced this year of girls falling off the bar and hitting their heads–or worse, not falling off and getting head–it’s probably best to just stay on the ground. Maybe sororities are onto something with their rule of no elevated surfaces.
9.) Worn white shoes:
Rookie mistake. Fat’s is a collecting point for all the filth and grime of Midtown. Walk in there with a pair of new Vans and you’ll be leaving with two dirty rags on your feet.
8.) Ordered a non-loaded Corona:
Go big or go home. If you’re going to be overpaying for beer you might as well pay a little extra and get some tequila thrown in the mix. What’s the worst that could happen?
7.) Tried to sneak in the back door:
No not that “back door” you pervert, the back door of the bar. You can get in the back door generally; you’re just going to have to bribe the bouncer with 5-10x the regular cover. If you’re that desperate to get into Fat’s (or have that much money to blow) your friend probably needs to stop and reassess your priorities.
6.) Made out with their ex:
PDA is the name of the game. There’s nothing wrong with a little bar make out sesh. Maybe even get a little handsy, who cares? But when it’s your ex, it gets a little weird. Your friends are all probably standing around not knowing if they should intervene or not and it’s just awkward for everyone.
5.) Threw up:
The lack of bathroom stalls means that if you clog one with barf, you’re officially public enemy number one. That is if you even make it to the bathroom, which far too often doesn’t happen. Throw up on the dance floor and not only will you be kicked out, but more than likely a few people you know will have seen your public spewing.
4.) Referred to it as “Fat Daddy’s”:
That may technically be its real name, but no one calls it that. It is “Fat’s,” or if you’re feeling kinky it can be “Daddy’s,” but NEVER both.
3.) Had a slushy race (or multiple):
They taste so good! There can’t be much alcohol in them, right? Wrong. There can and there is. Knock back two or three in a row and you’ll be referring to bullet six.
2.) Got iced and didn’t finish it:
This should be an offense worthy of jail. Quit being a little bitch, hit a knee, and chug, Amy!!
1.) Left before close:
That’s like leaving a movie right before the climax. Everything only gets more ratchet as the night goes on, so you might as well stay and enjoy the show.
What are you still reading this for? Get off your computer and start pregaming. The Fat’s line fills up quick.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: