The end of the summer is almost here, and it’s about time to kick that shitty summer job you’ve been working. While saying you didn’t feel well was enough to get out of work a month or two ago, you’ve had to become increasingly elaborate with your reasons for not coming in. Now that’s about time to quit, you only have one move left: fake your own death. Here are five ways to do just that. While your boss and coworkers are grieving, you can be relaxing on the beach.
4.) Freak skydiving accident…whoops:
Your coworkers know you like to do spontaneous, crazy things: your two-minute Snapchat stories each weekend is a testament to that. No one will be surprised when you tell them during your last shift that you’re jumping out of an airplane. Just make sure to allude to death, with lines like, “The place I’m skydiving through is like crazy cheap” or “hahaha, yeah they don’t have a website or anything.”
3.) Taken out by Russian spies:
Secret meetings with Russian officials are seeming more and more commonplace these days, so you’re going to have to really sell this one. Pretend it’s the 1950s and the KGB is tailing your every move. Come into work acting super paranoid, and if anyone asks you what’s wrong brush them off, and just keep muttering “Putin” to yourself.
2.) Another horrific crowd surfing Incident:
You’ve found yourself at the hands of drunken concertgoers and you’re already live streaming this Riff Raff concert — perfect! You can turn the situation to your advantage once 200 strangers are grabbing every inch of you. You’ll inevitably be dropped on your head, but here’s the most important part: just make sure the camera is rolling and cut the video off right when you fall so everyone thinks you suffered from massive head trauma. No one will question whether or not you actually fell and landed face first on a spiky dog collar that a rave girl had recently dropped.
1.) Lost in Turlington:
This happens to everyone at least once in their UF career. Once you’re in it can be very hard to get out, let alone find the room you are actually looking for. Rumor has it the ghosts of students pulling all-nighters haunt the hallways and prey upon anyone that gets lost in Turlington’s labyrinth of hallways after dark, so this could be prettttty convincing.
Pick your poison (speaking of which, being poisoned is another possible option). Just remember: only losers turn in two week notices.
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