Student Nighttime Auxiliary Patrol, or as it is commonly called, SNAP. That is a real fancy name for what is really just a few stinky vans that drive around the UF campus at night picking up drunk kids and taking them to their dorms. If you’re too cheap for an Uber and don’t have any friends that like you quite enough to pick you up from Midtown, then SNAP is there for you. The idea is good, but once your SNAP finally gets to your stop after you’ve been sitting there for half an hour, your journey has only just begun. Oh, the places you’ll go…
5.) Frat Row. Ten times:
There were only one or two other people in the van when you got in. There’s an overall musty, sweaty smell, but other than that it’s really not so bad. HA, you thought. The next stop is frat row and eight belligerently drunk frat guys pile in. Now you’re elbow to elbow with some kid that’s talking as loud as he can and it smells like those stains on his shirt are definitely puke.
4.) University to Archer, then back to University:
The driver has a map pulled up on their phone, so it is probably calculating the most efficient route right? Wrong. You will go drop someone off at the very north part of campus, immediately go to the most southern part, then whip it around and go to a stop right next to the first one you went to. But hey, look at the bright side. Supposedly the commuter lot is beautiful at night. Cool.
3.) The side of the road so some kid can puke:
That dude that smelled like puke earlier, yeah that’s his own puke and he’s rarin’ to go again. A quick yell to the driver to “STOP THE VAN, BRO” and all of a sudden you’re not making any progress towards home, and all you have to entertain yourself is watching Chad puke his guts out in the gutter while his friends Snapchat the whole thing.
2.) The stop of the person who got on after:
So now everyone that was in the van when you got in has been dropped off, so you’re next up, right? Wrong again. Some girl who got on right after you dressed in what appears to be an attempt at a cowgirl costume, but is really just a crop top and Dennis-length jean shorts, is now getting dropped off seven miles in the opposite direction.
The combo of alcohol you drank tonight and the puke fumes in the air is making you feel pretty weird by now. Lean against the window and close your eyes for one second, and when you open them you’re in a totally new world. Here animals can talk, hangovers don’t exist, and FSU students actually go to class and get a quality education.
Well it’s been about an hour and you probably could have walked home just as fast, but eventually you’ll make it to your stop. At least you didn’t have to get tired and sweaty, or dodge any sketchy looking bums on the side of the road. Maybe it is time to download Uber and just save money in different areas.
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