Getting that chili cup off the Wendy’s dollar menu is starting to feel like a bad idea. It’s the middle of the day and you have class in 20 minutes, but your stomach is feeling real gassy. You’re out of options; you need some places to fart. In the long-standing art of sneaking farts in public, there are two schools of thought for what your next move should be: either find a place where you can pass gas in solitude, or find a crowded place when your flatulence will be untraceable. Here are a few places on campus to seek refuge in this less-than-ideal scenario:
6.) Lake Alice:
All the way on the west side of campus near Frat Row, Lake Alice offers a great location to rip one in peace. The amount of bird shit (not to mention the nearby sewage treatment facility) provides a very good cover for any potential smell. Plus, the gentle echo of your booty belch across the lake is majestic at this time of day.
5.) The top of Century Tower:
You couldn’t ask for a better view from which to cut the cheese. You can look on as your fellow Gators go about their days and feel a sense of belonging as you watch them retch from the smell of your heinie hiccup.
4.) A study room:
They can be found in most of the libraries on campus and they are perfect because they come soundproofed. Your only issue is that you’re going to be effectively Dutch ovening yourself. You’ll just have to sit in your own hotbox of farticles until the smell dies down, or you pass out.
This is the most obvious choice for a crowded place in which to steam press your Calvins without being identified. Just walk at a normal pace and when you’re in the middle, let her rip. The sounds of the Turlington preacher yelling to people about how they’re going to Hell will drown it out, and anyone that notices the smell will just assume it came from one of the people flyering, who they’re predisposed to hate. How dare they hand you a piece of paper.
2.) Reitz Food Court:
In close proximity to the Wendy’s you just got food at, this location has multiple advantages. Firstly, the many smells from all the restaurants and the multitude of people talking should effectively cover your trouser cough. Secondly, anyone that does catch the scent will probably be too grossed out to finish their food, meaning free food for you.
A library? Yes, a library. This goes against conventional wisdom, but if properly executed, Marston is the perfect place to execute The Switcheroo. This is a classic move, originating from the ancient scriptures: “Ye who smelt it dealt it.” What you have to do is sit right next to someone in the library. Preferably someone you don’t like, or just someone who looks like a douchebag. You have to break wind as quickly as you can and immediately throw the blame on the other person. It’ll really sell it if you get up from your seat while throwing the person dirty looks. That way everyone’s on your side, and no one suspects a thing.
No matter which strategy you employ, just remember that gas is natural and happens to everyone. That being said, if people hear you fart you will never live it down and will be known as the fart girl/guy forever. Good luck!