If you haven’t heard (which is basically impossible given the incessant posting on social media), this weekend is Dance Marathon. Frats won’t be hosting daygers since every sorority girl they’re trying to get with will be in the O’Dome, and bars will be heavy on the sausage side of the ratio. This means you’ll have to look for other outlets for your alcoholism; orrr, bear with us here, you could not be a shithead and do something good for once. On the off chance you actually do that and go visit your friends involved in DM, here are a few people you’re guaranteed to spot:
7.) The sleep deprived dude who might fall down:
All the dancers aren’t sitting down for 26.2 hours! Your ass can’t even get up on time for your 10:40. Don’t be surprised when a dude who went out the night before walks up to you with a greyish tinge that’s usually reserved for frat boys that just got done throwing up the Four Loko they decided to shotgun.
6.) The guy/girl you hooked up with that one time:
Oh it’s inevitable. In a room with that many people you’re bound to have an awkward encounter with someone you were hoping to never see again. Just keep your head high and know that that night the two of you shared in your XL twin will be with you forever.
5.) The guy that’s Venmo requested you $2.62 10 times this year:
You caved once and payed thinking you were doing a good deed. Little did you know you’d be declining requests once a week for the rest of the semester. At least after this weekend it’ll be over.
4.) The girl who’s wayyyyyy too peppy for the number of hours you’ve been dancing:
We get it, it’s a big day and a great cause. People are excited, but there’s always that one girl who’s just way too upbeat. It’s not natural enthusiasm either, it’s like that forced bubbly, laughy enthusiasm that’s oblivious to everyone else around. Yikes, why are her eyes so big?
3.) The freshiest of freshmen:
It’s been so long you almost forgot what they look like with their UF ’21 shirts and that specific musty dorm smell lingering on them.
2.) The kid you thought couldn’t possibly be involved in another org:
You thought wrong. That kid who’s on exec in the Greek house, a cicerone, in Blue Key, and SGA, yeah they are involved in DM too. They must be compensating for something…
1.) The guy that’s just there to flirt with girls:
Fellas. In case you were on the fence about dropping in to DM at some point this weekend, it may be worth mentioning that the chick to dick ratio is actually insane. The dudes who knew this beforehand will be real easy to spot. They’ll be wearing tank tops and walking around with a group of their “bros” eying all the girls wearing yoga pants.
You’ve now run the face gauntlet: somehow seeing every person you’ve met thus far in college in the span of 10 minutes. Go home, get stoned, and go to bed in peace knowing you weren’t a complete piece of shit today.
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