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How to Get Your Stupid Crush to Pay Stupid Attention to You at Midtown Social

Midtown is a battleground for sexual matchmaking, and just like in war, the side with the better weapons is the one that usually wins. That’s why you have to have your go to moves when it comes to courting the (Redd’s) apple of your (drunk) eye. Some techniques are tried and true, while others are…well, let’s just say “unique”. Whatever your go-to is, it’s not working because here you are still single reading this article in a Facebook group full of thousands of strangers. Here’s what to do instead:

Cast yourself off of the balcony, yo. All in the name of love:
You’ve seen the videos online of people jumping off of things to mass cheering from onlookers. If they can do it, why can’t you? Just head upstairs and go straight for the balcony. Nothing says “I want you so bad” more than someone who stares danger in the face and doesn’t bat an eyelash as it pummels them to the ground.

Drop the beat and swoon them with a romantic ballad:
The best way to greet the love of your life is walk up to them and start talking, right? Wrong. Head straight to the DJ Booth, push whatever lame DJ they’re paying out of the way, and start blaring “Come on Eileen” in the club. It may sound risky, but if there’s any crowd this will work on, it’s the one at Social. To make sure the crowd is fully hyped, some fist pumps during the fiddle solo will go a long way. 

Impress them with the vape tricks you’ve been practicing quietly, alone in your dorm:
In 2017 vaping was for weird dudes who sit at home blowing giant clouds in their basement and playing video games. Luckily for you its 2018 now and vapes look like flash drives and are used by basically every freshman. Just whip out your JUUL and start blowing hearts in their face. If you’re really good, whisper “I love you” into the smoke clouds. When they ask to hit it, don’t let them! Show them your soft and compassionate side by telling them you’re concerned about their health and don’t want them to get addicted.

Challenge someone to a jousting match so you look cool and strong:
Just like with clothing, everything eventually comes back into style. Telling a guy to “step outside” and beating his ass in order to impress a girl is so early 2000s. Lucky for you, pool cues work great for jousting matches. Just challenge any guy with shorter arms than you to a duel and you are sure to take home the maiden of your choosing.

Offer them a crispy Tide Pod:
Nothing gets people more hot and bothered these days than eating some grade A laundry detergent. We aren’t talking off brand here, it has to be the delicious looking cubes of yumminess that Tide (and The Black Sheep) claim “aren’t for human consumption”. You know better, and so does your crush. Don’t offer to buy him a drink, just hand him a Tide Pod and let the love potion work its magic.

60% of the time these methods work every time. Just head to Mid and watch as your success rate gets higher than your bank account was before you had to start buying JUUL AND Tide pods every week.

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