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How to Keep from Freezing Your Balls off While You Scoot to Class

While walking to class can be a chilly affair, scooting there is downright frigid. You’ll undoubtedly see some kid fresh off his scooter walking into class shivering, and tinted a shade of blue that you thought was reserved for tree people who run around plugging their tails into each other. It’s going to suck ass scooting in anything below 70 degrees out, your only real hope is to avoid hypothermia and to count that as a win. Here are some ways to avoid that morbid, nipple-hardening fate:

Wear a fire retardant suit:
What’s hotter than fire? Nothing! So, obviously the best way to keep warm is to light yourself on fire. It’s foolproof logic. The main problem is that cotton/poly blend t-shirt you got on shrunk when you put it in the dryer, and if you light it on fire it’s definitely gonna get a little smaller. Lucky for you, they make special jumpsuits specifically for people in your predicament. Just put it on and light yourself up. You will be looking like Nicolas Cage in Ghost Rider in no time, and that’s pretty badass.

Keep warm with some ~ice~:
Chains are getting bigger and pendants are getting gaudier every year. Fortunately, you can take advantage of this trend to be simultaneously stylish and warm. Buy yourself a space heater from your local home improvement store, connect both ends of a chain to it, and wear it while you scoot. Style points for covering it in rhinestones and Swampy points if you arrange them to look like Albert and Alberta fucking. You’ll be looking both icy and toasty at the same time.

Turn yourself into a scarf mummy:
You’ve seen a mummy before. But instead of wrapping yourself in toilet paper, wrap your entire body in scarves. They may not be quite as useful if you have to make an emergency bathroom trip, but what scarves lack in being a usable toilet tissue they more than make up for in warmth.

Just plan on never leaving your bed:
Breakfast in bed? Psh, this isn’t amateur hour. We out here taking on our whole day in bed. Wrap yourself in your sheets and comforter, hop on your scooter, and face the day head on. You may catch some weird looks from people but let’s be real, they’re definitely just jealous that they didn’t think of this first.

Bathe yourself in some boiling water: 
We’ve all had that girl in one of our classes explain to us how with her special metal water bottle, her water stays cold all day and ice “literally” never melts. Well as much as it hurts, get one of those bottles. Next, you fill it up with boiling water. Last, just take the boiling water with you all day. If you have to scoot somewhere just dump the boiling water on yourself, it is sure to warm you right up, and it’s great for your pores!

While it may seem like it would just be easier to just take the bus instead of scooting to class, remember this one thing: the pain and bodily harm that these methods may cause you is temporary while the loss of social standing from being seen riding the bus like a common pleb is forever.

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