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The Subtle, Unspoken Rules of Two Dudes Riding a Scooter

There are some things in life that can’t be taught. Humans are born with superior abilities to notice the world around them and tailor their actions to fit certain criteria that society deems “normal.” The collective knowledge of generations of male scooter riders gets passed down from guy to guy, dude to dude, year in and year out in an undefinable process. Not all of the wisdom passed down is the sort that can be put into words and written down, on two dudes riding a scooter.

Rule #1: Don’t talk about double scooting:
You ever see Fight Club? Well the same rules apply. You don’t talk to your bro about double scooting after the fact. If you need a ride, you ask him for one and thank him after. You don’t sit around and discuss the pros and cons of your scooter ride.

Rule #2: Don’t fucking talk about double scooting:
Keeping with the Fight Club theme, just don’t do it. Find something else to talk about, sports, chicks, butts, it doesn’t matter.

Rule #3: Only two dudes to a scooter:
This really goes along with the 4th rule of Fight Club, but since rule 3 doesn’t really apply we will put it here. Two guys to one scooter is the max. It doesn’t matter how big of a scooter you have. Even if you could fit 5 guys on your Bintelli Super Extra Deluxe Extended Cab Scooter, no more than two.

Rule #4: Under no circumstances do you hold on to the guy in front:
These rules are coming straight from the double scooting handbook. “No circumstances” means “NO CIRCUMSTANCES”. There will be times when there isn’t much to hold onto on the back of your friend’s scoot, and maybe they don’t have a good place to rest your feet either; it doesn’t matter, you tough it out and balance yourself on the seat. The WORST thing that could possibly happen is for you to put your arms around your buddy’s waste in public. This is a sin of the highest degree and cannot be tolerated, not even a little shoulder grab. Don’t do it, man.

Rule #5: Leave space between the rider and the driver:
This should go without saying. If you friend is giving you a ride out of the goodness of their heart, the very last thing they want is to have your balls smushed against their lower back the whole time. The driver can help this rule be obeyed by not breaking hard, which can cause the guy in the back to slide up. If this happens, you readjust and don’t say anything about it.

Rule #6: Don’t make it a habit:
It’s okay to ask for a lift on your friend’s scooter every once in a while. If you start making it a regular thing though it gets kind of weird. Just find another way to get to class.

These are just a few of many rules that govern double scooting for guys. There are much subtler rules that students dedicate years of study to try and fully understand. Now get out there and get two full grown men on a vehicle, that before UF, you thought only girls rode around European cities.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.


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