The Tau Alpha chapter of Tau Epsilon Phi, has recently been suspended (again), causing high waves of controversy. Amidst the current national climate on Greek life in general, the university’s decision to suspend the chapter seems apt.
TEP’s suspension will last until Fall 2020 and has left its former house empty and up for grabs. As a prime piece of Frat Row real estate, the infamous house number nine was extremely popular among many formidable bidders.
“The collection plates have been particularly high the past months so the house is ours now,” boasted the local priest, Tim Trinity. “My advisor—you may know him, he goes by ‘God’—told me it probably wasn’t a good idea to buy the house because it’s in such a shitty state, but I was like, ‘fuck it dude!’ Life starts when you step out of your comfort zone.”
The house will be torn down and rebuilt to fulfill a much higher purpose. Though this move may confuse some, it was a very strategic decision. This new, on-campus location will make church accessible to students. It will have the “cool factor” of a frat house without all the pre-marital sex and cocaine.
Jake Goldenberg, a brother of Tau Epsilon Phi, was the first to comment on this development.
“I guess the sacrament wine can double as the pre, but it’s still fucked that we got kicked off,” complained Goldenberg. “They call it a stomach pump, we call it a medically induced detox. They call it drugs, we call it party goods. I’m just saying there’s some room for interpretation.”
Although there has been major resistance to the new church, some have acknowledged that a church on Frat Row can actually be very useful and time effective.
“Ok you so know when you’re tailgating, and like doing a lot of sinful things? Well, with a church on Row you can erase your sins from house to house. You can go do a Beta Apple Pie, confess your sins, and then go do a Sigma Pumpkin Spice and your body count won’t go up!” said Britney Sanders, a UF senior.
We reached out to IFC representatives for an official statement but they replied with a cordial “No comment.”
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