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UF Majors Renamed to Fit What They Actually Are

Picking a major may be one of the most universal challenges for all college students. We’ve decided to rename some majors so that you can cut through the shit and make a real decision on what you want to do with your life.

Finance—”Numbers That Don’t Mean Anything”:
Finance majors spend four years learning a slew of metrics, formulas, and ratios that really don’t mean shit. If you gave a finance major from UF a bag of seashells they’d write a five-page report on how much those shells are worth, but at the end of the day it’s just a bag of seashells.

Women’s Studies—”The Elephant in the Room”:
No one wants to talk about the elephant (or the black sheep, just saying) in the room. Did we just shamelessly plug ourselves in this renaming? Yes, we most certainly did. Did we also make it through the blurb without talking about the black sheep in the room? Yes again.

Public Relations—”Lying About Lies That You’ve Lied About”:
Good press is hard to come by in the age when everyone is a click away from roasting anyone and everyone on social media. The natural response? Lie first, second, and third. Then when you have everyone on the ropes lie some more about the lies, and then finally lie about the fact that you’re lying about those lies.

English—”Disappointing My Parents One Short Story at a Time”:
In your mind, you’re living a “Midsummer Night’s Dream” pursuing your degree in the study of English. However, you’re constantly dealing with calls from your parents, having them telling you that your four years in school are “Much Ado About Nothing.”

Advertising—”Plastering Sex Over Every Product”:
Sex sells. This is just one of those things that is true now, and will always be true. There are other things they should probably teach you but you’re going to keep coming back to that underlying theme and wondering why you need to take so many damn classes to learn the same idea.

Chemistry—”Watched Breaking Bad Once, Thought It Would Be Easy”:
Walter White probably made chemistry look way too easy and badass. You might have thought, “Hey I’ll do chemistry and then if my professional options don’t pan out, I’ll just make stacks cooking meth in my basement.” Now you’re dying in a litany of ridiculously challenging classes and regretting everything.

Agriculture—”Saving the Bees from Dying at an Alarming Rate”:
To be fair, the bees ARE dying at an alarming rate. and who knows maybe it’ll destroy our modern agricultural system. We should also be thinking about how hard it is to make normal people care about bees being in trouble. It’s basically an insurmountable challenge.

Anthropology—”No, Not the One with the Dinosaurs”:
We’re as disappointed as you are that this major is studying the origins of culture throughout societies instead of studying the badass, giant creatures that roamed the Earth millions of years ago. We we’re told paleontology is way different, so that sucks.

Now that we’ve sifted through these realities, the goal is to make a more informed decision about your major. We’re just trying to save you one of those three-hour visits to your advisor that are way too commonplace at UF.

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