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George Mason Statue Actually Just a Man in Body Paint This Entire Time


Sophomore Alyssa Raines was startled on her walk into the DeLaski Building last Thursday morning when the famous Mason statue suddenly started to move.

“I had to do a double take- I always thought he was a statue! Suddenly he was stretching, and climbing down from the base, and just walking away!” Alyssa said in an interview.

After 12 hours of a statue-less campus, the man formerly known as the “Mason Statue” returned to a crowd of very confused Patriots investigating the base where he stood. Witnesses reported he politely pushed through the crowd, and simply resumed his position.

Our statue man has now been identified as local man, Josh Denty. He’s a local performing artist who applies bronze body paint and meticulously crafted costumes, then poses as different statues around the area.

Denty has posed as many different statues in his artistic career, including the old fisherman at Lake Anne plaza. Denty, having resumed his position, answered some interview questions once no one else was around.

“I just started posing as George Mason a few years ago, people seemed to like it, so I stayed. Everyone wants their picture with me! I’m like a celebrity here! I put a lot of work into my job. You think it’s easy to hold the same ridiculous pose for hours upon hours, no matter the weather? But there’s so much satisfaction in seeing the tour groups look you in the eye and never suspect that you’re not really made of bronze.”

“All the students rub my toes for good luck. It’s so unsanitary! I got this horrendous fungus between my toes and I decided to consult a pediatrist about it. While I was there I got some orthopedic inserts for my shoes. All the posing in flat shoes is taking a toll on my spine!”

Denty indicated that he would continue to act as our Mason statue for many years to come.

When interviewed on the matter, President Angel Cabrera offered, “I wasn’t the one that commissioned the statue! I just assumed someone did! When it appeared I was just like, ‘Hey cool, that’ll look good on campus!’ and didn’t question it. I mean, Mr. Denty has been doing a great job, so of course he can stay. We may even pay him!”

The student body has mixed feeling. On one hand, the Mason statue just got WAY more impressive. On the other hand, what has Josh seen you do when you thought no one was around?

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