Most of Mason’s campus is #BornInThe90s, except for the few old people that decided to come back to school. However, we all have one thing in common, which is the love for those old, low quality video games! Did you ever think that Mason could be compared to those shitty staples of our childhood? Well, it surely can…
Can you cross a road at Mason without the fear of going splat? That was the objective of Frogger. With idiots blowing stop signs, cadets texting instead of controlling the flow of that 7 p.m. traffic, and poorly placed crosswalks, making it out unharmed can be pretty difficult. The curse words said during this game are similar to those when you try to cross any road at Mason.
6.) Crazy Taxi:
Ah, Mason Shuttles. The objective of this game is to pick up customers and get them to a select location as fast as possible. Mason Shuttles do just so in a very dangerous way. In a crosswalk when a shuttle is coming, either run or end up like Frogger. If you attempt to get hit by one of these “crazy taxis”, your tuition will not be paid. In court, the defense would be that they had freaking schedules to attend to.
5.) Mario Kart:
Believe it or not, Mason has a very intricate road system. And the flow of traffic significantly slows when the golf carts are in the center of the lane. It’s like they got hit with a lightning bolt in Mario Kart. If you’re driving on campus, buy some ‘shrooms from your local drug dealer, throw them at the golf carts, and get their poor excuse for transportation the hell out of the way!
4.) Donkey Kong:
This is not to be confused with Harambe. Donkey Kong must carry barrels around various construction sites, using said barrels as weapons, lodging, and furniture. When is there not construction at Mason? Last, it was the library. Now, it’s the Peterson Health Building, which will house the soon-to-be non-existent nursing program. Patriots, carry your own barrel because pretty soon construction and traffic will prevent us from even leaving this campus, especially when another geriatric event takes over the CFA.
Campus is very diverse, with over 300 registered student organizations. 7,000 students live on campus to create a grand total of almost 30,000 at Mason. It can seem very hard to find your “niche”. But just like Tetris, there are various options and ways that you can flip and turn to make yourself fit in. Not working? Just keep piling mismatched shapes up until you have a mental break down and have to restart.
2.) Space Commander:
Now this is some Stone Age shit. As one of the first arcade games, the objective is to avoid missiles being fired at you, while also shooting away the aliens. The David King Tower is a backup communication tower for Dulles Airport. It may keep the planes in the sky, but it could also be dodging missiles and keeping the aliens off Mason’s campus!
1.) Sonic the Hedgehog:
Sonic is a peaceful ugly thing that is often interrupted by Doctor Eggman. Scenario: Patriots are now Sonic’s offspring. So why can’t Doctor Eggman, AKA The Preacher, leave us alone? Can’t he tell that half the student population probably just failed a midterm, haven’t eaten all day, and don’t have time for his nonsense? Next time he spits hatred your way, pull a Sonic. Roll up into a ball and super speed into his ass.
And in the meantime while you all are imagining every part of Mason as a video game, make sure you have that Pokemon-exploring-Viridian-Forest background music stuck in your head.