Well folks, we had a good run. But like all the ambitions of any sports team from Georgia, all good things must come to an end. Saturday was a shitty day for good people everywhere, so in order to lessen the soul-crushing impact of the Dawgs’ humiliating loss, we have put together a list of things that also used to be number 1, so that we don’t feel left out.
11.) The telegram:
This newfangled device managed to connect the country by just remembering an asinine series of dots and lines stop It revolutionized communication and managed to deliver people’s messages in a matter of 3 days instead of 3 months stop At least until it got too damn complicated to read, and people started making calls stop
10.) Gas lamps:
Ever wanted to read a book in your Nebraska prairie mud house, but you just don’t have a goddamn light? Never fear, for all you have to do is light this thing of whale brains on fire, and you’ll have enough light to read The Grapes of Wrath, or The Bible.
9.) The Titanic:
Near, far, or wherever you are, this boat was supposed to be the number 1 ship ever created. Unfortunately, all it took was a giant ice cube to send it to the bottom of the ocean. On the bright side, it also led to the massive wave of public expanding of door sizes so as to fit two people instead of just one (Kate Winslet, if you’re reading this, you know what you did).
8.) Osama bin Laden:
The former public enemy #1 earned that spot for the horrific deaths that he inflicted upon thousands of not only Americans, but people all over the world. But we got him, and he went down just like the hopes of Dawg fans everywhere.
7.) Hillary Clinton:
Who knew hitting your head on a glass ceiling could hurt so bad? Well, we know now.
6.) Taylor Swift’s “Look What You Made Me Do”:
When Tay resurrected herself as the Queen of the Snakes™ after Kim pulled off the greatest piece of investigative journalism since Watergate, her new persona rocketed her to the number 1 spot on the charts. But, Taylor can’t really come to the phone right now because the new queen, Cardi B, knocked her off.
5.) Olivia Newton John’s “Physical”:
The former Grease star became number 1 when she made her body talk in this video, making her the sexiest thing in the 1980s. It also led to way too many comments from your dad about how hot she was.
4.) The British Empire:
The sun was never supposed to set on this number 1 empire, except when it did because of apartheid and shit. ‘Merica.
3.) House of Cards:
This was Netflix’s first venture into original TV detailing one politician’s ruthless rise to the top, and it quickly became one of Netflix’s #1 shows. Then of course we found out that the lead was a pedophile. Yippee.
Remember when you could throw your phone across a room, and it would emerge from the impact unscathed? Try doing it now. We dare you. Someone will probably call the police on your dumbass.
1.) Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen:
Thanks to the intrepid research of our reporters and to the testimony of Bikini Bottom’s Eugene H. Krabbs, The Black Sheep has been able to independently confirm that the late Mr. Werbenjagermanjensen was, in fact, #1.
Hopefully now you don’t feel so bad about the Dawgs losing the number 1 title. With a group of friends like these, who needs to be #1 right?
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