Georgia’s a great school, but it’s not what we’ve led ourselves to believe it is. We’ve been fed lies by recruiters, tour guides and parents all our lives. Did you know Baldwin wasn’t even bald? Despicable. We shall be fooled no more, as long as you stop believing these seven things you’ve fooled yourself into believing about UGA.
7.) That We’re Going to Win a National Championship:
To all the students that share the same sentiment as my dad: you’re all delusional. Eason’s got a cannon for sure, but you know who else had a cannon? The Confederate Army, and a national win didn’t work out for them either, did it?
6.) That Our Dining Halls Have the Best Food in the Nation:
ECV’s got some bomb-ass smoothies, and Bolton’s General Tso’s is so good you’ll forget you don’t know how to pronounce “Tso,” but best food in the country is definitely a stretch. Let’s not forget UGA is a public school, with public school food, which means somewhere prisoners in a private penitentiary are eating better meals than us.
5.) That Athens is Just Like Portland:
Athens is definitely a hip city, with enough coffee shops, local breweries, and manbuns to go around. But its cultural weirdness is still very much in its infancy in scope. Riding your new Huffy from Ben’s Bikes to Wuxtry to buy some R.E.M. vinyls makes you more hipster than a WUOG exec, but it doesn’t make you a Portlander.
4.) That We’re the Top Party School in the Nation:
Just like your uncle talking about being voted “Most Attractive” in high school, we’re still bragging about an accolade we got years ago. UGA students will still take any opportunity to drink, but that doesn’t make us a party school. Even in the midst of spring party season, our frat parties are more than a few naked girls and one white rapper short of an Asher Roth music video.
3.) That They’re Working on a Bolton Bus Stop:
So you still think a magical bus ride is only months away from dropping you and your little friends off at Bolton’s front door? Well, bless your heart. Like the old fable goes, SGA’s become the boy who cried bus stop, and if this story’s anything like the folklore, soon they’ll all be eaten by wolves, or something.
2.) That Luke Bryan Hangs Out Here All the Time:
The country star gets sighted a few times in Athens and people suddenly think they’re going to rub elbows with him on the Georgia Theatre rooftop. Even if Luke Bryan was here all the time, who cares about Luke Bryan? We don’t care how charming his smile is, I bet those elbows could use a wash, quite frankly.
1.) That Georgia is a Public Ivy:
A public ivy league school? That’s like bragging about a participation award: It’s a nice title, but you know there’s no real achievement here. Sure, UGA’s got some wicked smart students, and Milledge is just gleaming with old, white money, but we’re not exactly Harvard material. Last time I checked, you can’t transfer into Harvard after a year of community college.
Don’t let Athens fool you this April Fools. We don’t need faith to know how many bars are in Athens, so let’s at least appreciate that April 1st is a Saturday.
WATCH: We asked drunks about their March Madness superstitions: