A growing movement is coming out of the shadows of Athens alleyways to spread their message of dissatisfaction with their campus experience. They call themselves the Alt-Right-Handed and their wish is to address the issue that is the left-handed people of campus, the “lefties” as they call them. The Alt-Right-Handed believes that the time to act is now, that now they must strike before the lefties besmirch UGA one more time.
We did some digging and the Alt-Right-Handed movement is a mysterious one and does not seem to have existed for a very long time, so we decided we needed to talk to one of these people and ask them what the deal is. One such man agreed to meet with us, a Mr. Wright, who is spearheading this movement, and ask what exactly they are upset about.
“The lefties are the root of the downfall that was UGA’s football season last year,” stated Mr. Wright, “they are the ones that caused the atrocity that was last season and they must be stopped before they ruin another.”
We were as surprised as you probably are because it makes no sense. So, we thought it was best to ask him what the hell left handed people have to do with UGA football.
“You see it is scientifically impossible to throw a football with your left hand,” shouted Mr. Wright,” us allowing these lefties in the stadium angers the football gods, and we are at their mercy every Saturday.”
We didn’t quite expect to hear that, but given the fandom of many football fans a cult seems fitting. We then decided it was appropriate to ask about these “football gods.” That was when he started waving a Sports Illustrated at us.
“We believe in the deep teachings that you can find within the laminate pages containing artistic imagery of women and sports,” preached Mr. Wright, “many of us are also followers of the religion of ESPN, the Enlightened Sports People Network.”
We asked Mr. Wright if this was a cult, but he lit a UGA foam finger on fire and then started barking at us, so we got the hell out of there.
Still in shock we wanted to get the opinion of a left-handed individual on this matter and see their side of their story. We were lucky to get a hold of UGA senior, Larry Leaft.
“Um to be honest, I’ve never attended a UGA football game or even set foot in Sanford,” replied Larry Leaft, “in fact I usually go home game day weekends because Athens is a mess.”
Leaft also offered us a left-handed spatula which we politely declined because we would have no use for that, being mostly moderate righties ourselves.