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Athens Five Guys To Be Replaced By Asian-American-Mexican-African-French Fusion Restaurant


Everyone has heard by now, the top supplier of Athens’ lard and grease is closing down. We have all heard the cries of frat boys on Milledge from miles away about where to get their cheap drunk food. The shocker is that they are being replaced by a typical Athens Hipster™ fusion restaurant.

Many people thought that after Taqueria Tsunami and Takorea and Taqueria Del Sol and Taqueria 1785 , there couldn’t possibly be another one on the way, but that was  evidently just wrong.

We took to the streets to get the inside scoop about how this life altering change to the Athens scene is affecting the dear citizens of Athens. Given the outrage about this issue it was very easy to find an angry, concerned individual that would love to voice his concern, local Athens hipster and mother Delilah Broadstreet.

“Personally, I think that this a push in the right direction for what Athens needs. I will not be content until the restaurant only uses locally sourced vegan products or else I will protest the entire establishment with the assistance of my PTA.”

Not at all to our surprise, Delilah is a part of a group of Five Points mothers who run a blog that consists of complaints about things that make Athens fun on a daily basis. We’ve been wanting to pick the brains of one these crunchy Five Points yoga moms for a while–especially after last week’s assertion that gluten filled diets have a direct correlation to terrorism. That’s right, Karen, we read your post.

“I just, personally, feel that I need to understand the history and past of my food or else I can’t ethically consume it, remarked Delilah, “in fact I don’t eat chicken unless I have a family tree of my chicken’s past dating back to its great grand-chicken at the very least.”

We informed Delilah that we believe pop-tarts are the essential part of a balanced breakfast and she proceeded to have a mental breakdown and was promptly placed on a mandatory 72-hour psych eval at St. Mary’s.

As much as we enjoyed Delilah’s time, we still wanted to get the perspective of a UGA student. Luckily, UGA senior, Eatsa Lottaburgers, feels very passionate about the issue and was willing to talk to us.

“We need to stop this now before it Is too late, Athens doesn’t need another fusion place!!! Give the people what they want!!! Burgers, man. Just burgers.”

When asked to clarify his position, Lottaburgers continued, “Asian fusion restaurants do not speak to the spirit of UGA. The spirit of UGA is an overpriced burger covered in enough peanut oil to make sure you have acne for the rest of your life.”

It seems many people share Lottaburgers same sentiment. Whether or not this drastic change will be good for UGA or not is yet to be determined. All we know now is that we are all about to lose like 10 pounds.



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