The MLC is a student’s safe haven. There’s this glow around it that makes a student feel like anything school related is possible. In all honesty though, the MLC is kind of like Hell. There is such a strong correlation between being eternally damned and studying for 12 hours straight. And the more you’ve got going on, the worse your experience at the MLC gets. Let’s compare the glorious ZBMLC (short for Zell B. Miller Learning Center, it’s what the cool kids are calling it these days) to the 9 Circles of Dante’s Inferno, shall we? (Click this link to follow along.)
Jittery Joe’s Café – First Circle:
This layer is for the virtuous non-believers. It’s not like you weren’t virtuous, you were completely virtuous! You’ve done almost everything, you just need to finish up some homework. So you’re rewarded with an atmosphere, coffee, and the chance to converse with the friends of yours that happen to walk by.
First Floor Classrooms – Second Circle:
This layer is for those who can’t find rest, and we all know that this is kind of like working on a group project. So here you are in the second circle of Hell at half-past-really-dark-outside trying to film a project about Christopher Columbus for your World Geography class.
Second Floor Classrooms – Third Circle:
This layer is famous for its never-ending icy rain, and let’s face it: there’s nothing more excruciating than the zero-Kelvin temps of the second floor classrooms. And the irony of it all is that the coldness doesn’t even help you keep your eyes open; you still fall asleep every dang time.
Second Floor Group Study Rooms – Fourth Circle:
The souls in this circle of Hell are pitted against each other in an eternal jousting tournament. Try and tell us this isn’t like fighting for a study room during midterm week.
MLC Elevators – Fifth Circle:
The elevators are the circle-to-circle transporters. And the sheer amount of tension in these things during a huge test week is like a bunch of souls floating down the River Styx. It’s bad.
Fourth Floor Study Rooms – Sixth Circle:
If you end up here on a weekday, you know you’ve got it real bad. The fourth floor study rooms are like the eternally flaming tombs one would encounter in the Sixth Circle of Hell. You procrastinated until midnight the night before? Here, eat some fire.
The Grass and Trees Between the MLC and Tate – Seventh Circle:
Because there is no possible way for you to finish all that you have to do, you are turned into these trees and grass to be eternally fed and shat upon by birds and humans. Hell is a weird place.
Group Tutoring Study Rooms – Eighth Circle:
If you end up here the day before a test, you’re not quite at rock bottom, you’re more at a Rocky Top. At least in these group study rooms, you have peers in the same place to suffer with.
Fourth Floor Digital Media Wing – Ninth Circle:
This is it. Rock bottom. Your computer died. You lost your charger. You’re trying to finish a take-home midterm on a slow as molasses iMac and an outdated flashdrive.
Rest easy, you poor soul. We at The Black Sheep wish you luck on your tests and bid you adieu as you recoil into the bowels of the MLC.
Who really even cares about Homecoming?