It’s a bright sunny morning; your weekday hangover has been reduced to only a slight headache after shoving your face with endless cereal at Bolton. You are making your way to your class with the hot T.A. that keeps refusing your sexual advances, but you continue to try. That’s when you hear the voice— the voice that sends a ripple down the stoplight post and makes you want to throw it into oncoming traffic. Of course we’re talking about the crosswalk voices. That animatronic and boner-reducing voice needs— neigh, must be stopped.
We have stood by idly for too long while we allowed robot who haven’t yet reached puberty to harass us. No one likes being told that the walk sign is on in an aggressive tone— it’s rude. Something has to be done, but UGA’s administration is doing nothing about it. We must be the ones to put pen to paper and make crosswalk voices sexier for everyone, as is our natural right.
We have come together as a collective unit to change the crosswalk voices to something sexier and jazzy. We want to be turned on every time we have to walk to Bolton and feel compelled to grope every traffic light we pass. Therefore, we have created a petition that will be delivered to the top UGA officials requesting that the current crosswalk voices be replaced with newer, sexier ones.
We have some ideas as to how this issue can be addressed as most real petitions do. One being that we install new iPhone X’s on all the crosswalks and equip them with only the good voices Siri has. The voice can alternate every day or every so often. That way the hot British James Bond daddy is counting down and not the voice of a creepy robot step-father we currently have.
Another way we can resolve the issue is by placing speakers that are controlled by highly qualified phone sex operators at every light on campus. The operators would be at a remote location and would be dialed when needed. It seems best that these phone sex operators would be at least very well but preferreably overqualified for this job.
If the founding fathers were around today, we believe that they would agree with us that is is our unalienable right to have sexy voices for crosswalks. It’s practically written in the Bill of Rights. No one can possibly think that this is a bad idea because there is literally no way someone could possibly say no to this. So if you’re with us–which you should be–sign our petition to make UGA crosswalks sexier, once and for all!