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UGA Football Walk-On’s Hopes Dashed After Season-Ending Masturbation Injury

Incoming freshman William Nickolas was devastated to learn this week that his chances of joining the UGA football team were dashed after an unexpected freak masturbation injury. His arrival was meant to quell the controversy around the QB position, but it seems that Coach Kirby Smart will have to look elsewhere.

Nickolas, or “Splitdick Nick” as people have come to affectionately call him, has been struggling with the chronic condition known as Jackulous Offalotus for some time but was ultimately unable to prevent his dick from falling off.

Nickolas’s father has some ideas about the underlying causes of his son’s condition.

“He’s such a damn good ball player, and he’s got one of the strongest arms I’ve seen,” Nickolas’s father said. “When you play with balls everyday with such intensity–and with such a powerful arm–there’s bound to be repercussions off the field and in the bedroom.”

Nickolas has been lauded as one of the most promising dark horses coming into the 2018 season, but he is not without his flaws. One critic described him as being “a little too good with his hands.”

“I’m one of those guys that takes practice very seriously, be it on the football field or at home in front of my laptop computer watching some premium pornography,” Nickolas told reporters. “I push my body to the limit. In this case, I guess my passion was too much for my dick to handle.”

The strict regimen that Nickolas follows (projections show that he drains the snake 25 times per day on average) has proved to be his Achilles heel. Only time will tell if this over-practiced and yet unquestionably talented individual will recover.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb.

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