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UGA Loses 3 Games, Freshman Gives Up on Football Entirely


The recent homecoming game against Vandy, and this football season in general, has left morale with the of UGA’s student body lower than their hope for this year’s presidential election. This loss is the perfect way to kick off the exciting bye-week, the one that every student looks forward to each year as a much needed break from the stress of the season.


Students didn’t think this season could get any worse after the awful hail-mary by Tennessee that left a scar on the fields of Sanford Stadium deeper than the fault lines of the Earth. Athens hospitals have been filled with fans suffering from self-induced head trauma, as many of them were caught tackling each other to the ground and desperately trying forget this year’s events.


We managed to find our old freshman friend, Harry Doge, of Metro Atlanta, who still is not over UGA’s schedule and is finally realizing he should’ve never been excited for football in the first place. Harry’s own injuries have put him in a Bulldogs helmet for the rest of the semester, which he proudly showed off to us and described as “school spirit” when we caught up with him yesterday.  Doge has been confined to the Health Center for the past few days after hurling himself out of his dorm room window after the Vandy game on Saturday.


“I just don’t understand,” exclaimed Doge, “Who loses to Vandy?!  That’s more embarrassing than my blackout last Thursday in the Brumby elevator.”


With all of his naïve Dawgs fan huffing and puffing, the nurse had to take the temperature the old fashioned way, if you know what we mean.


“This whole season is more deplorable than Brady’s deflategate scandal,” gushed Doge, “when I picked UGA, I thought I was picking a winning team, and now I’m thinking I should’ve swallowed my pride and been an elephant at Bama.”


Do to his fragility and tendency for outbursts, we decided it best to switch to a lighter topic, so we brought up the hail mary.


“Is it not obvious?!” urged Harry, “God hates the Bulldogs and does not want us to succeed this season. It’s over. It was over before it started!!”


We’re inclined to agree with Harry on that because it’s the most logical explanation to this season’s downward spiral.


On the up-side, the downtown economy is up as many other students have elected to drown their sorrows the old-fashioned way, by drinking them away one poorly mixed cocktail at a time.


Ever need a reason to skip class? Think again:



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