Just like your parents, your bartender and bouncers have watched you grow from a young, 4.0 GPA-getting freshman alcoholic to an old, debt-riddled, 2.4 GPA-getting senior alcoholic. Through the good things (Blankenship becoming a full-fledged football kicking god during the Rose Bowl) and the bad things (Jacob Eason being 1st-string QB), they’ve always been there for you with a drink in hand. Here are a couple things that the bar staff has noticed that indicate their favorite patrons are transitioning into full-fledged, boring adults.
6.) The Mag’s bartenders complain that they don’t see you three days a week anymore:
They’re lucky to see you one night a week now. Long gone are the three-day drunken weekend benders. Wine and Netflix nights have stolen your heart away from the pool tables.
5.) Cutter’s bar staff aren’t surprised to see you show up in sweat pants:
Going dt is no longer a whole event. You can barely put in enough effort to get there, much less put on eyeliner and a bra. Seeing you show up in sweat pants would leave them just as unfazed as seeing almost every patron that goes to the bathroom walk out in a different state of mind. We all go to Cutter’s for one reason, and if you know, you know.
4.) Centro’s bouncers don’t have to laugh at your fake:
Ahh, yes. The good old days of doing arts and crafts to make your tape over before going dt. Nothing made you more nervous than having a bouncer stare at your obviously terribly done tape over. But, now that you are perfectly legal, the rush of trying to get in with five other underaged kiddos has left you, and you just want your Sex on the Beach before you go home and finish The Great British Baking Show while applying for jobs in Atlanta.
3.) Church’s bartenders don’t ask for your name when you order a drink:
The Church Bar bartender already knows you and knows what you want, which means that you are officially old as shit. At a certain point, you’d just be too drunk to remember your fake name and that would be your cut-off point. Now, your cut-offs are your achy joints, 11 p.m. bedtime, and your inability to be amused by sloshed undergrads hailing the dawgs for the eighth time.
2.) You no longer have a tab at Cozy Bar:
Good ol’ Cozy Bar: The place we all go to when one person in your group’s tape over is just too terrible to get in anywhere else. However, since you can now get into legitimate bars (if you still go to those), your Cozy Bar attendance has fallen by 100%. Just like what you said to your shacker this morning: It was fun while it lasted.
1.) The Creature Comforts staff greet you by name:
You might look 16 years old, but your persistent presence there makes you wonder why they still check your ID. Now that you’ve been personally victimized by every hard liquor from your younger years, Creature Comforts beer has become your bffl.
Just remember one thing: No matter how old and crippled you get, alcohol is the cure, even if it’s a Sex on the Beach before you go home and finish The Great British Baking Show.
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