The summer sublease battle royale has begun and nothing is harder than getting someone to PAY to sleep in your bed (without you in it). Here are a couple next-level marketing techniques that the Terry College of Business doesn’t want you to know that will convince subleasers (that have little to no standards or ownership of a blacklight) battling each other to stay in your place of living.
7.) Let them know that none of your roommates have been caught by the UGA police:
This will let them know that your roommates are one of two things: 1.) They don’t like to party and are quiet and respectful, or 2.) they are pot heads that get hella drunk but are smart enough to still evade the cops. In most cases, it’ll be the latter option.
6.) Say it’s an easy walk to downtown:
Yeahhhhhhh, it’s easy if you have experience walking a mile through 90 degree heat while dodging cars and homeless people. It’s better when you say this to transfers because then they might just end up dropping out when they try to walk to their chemistry class (that they’re failing) everyday. #purebreddawgsonly
5.) Don’t be afraid to mention that you have a Kirby Smart shrine in the bathroom:
Look, we all have our fetishes and weird ticks, and we shouldn’t be ashamed of them. So what if you like staring your Kirby Smart cutout in the eyes, daydreaming him coaching you from the sideline, while you drop a load. Sometimes we need encouragement to get the job done, and whoever subleases your room might find it just as encouraging.
4.) Bribe potential candidates by offering to let them use your open tab at Magnolia’s:
You might not have a 70-inch flat screen, a rooftop pool, basic cable, or a working air conditioner, BUT you do have an open tab at Magnolia’s that you are willing to let them use while you’re gone. Let’s face it — they’ll probably still spend less on it than you do.
3.) Offer to set them up on a blind date:
If they’re transfers or just here for summer classes, they probably have no friends. Make them feel more welcome by setting them up on a blind date with one of your friends who owes you a favor for throwing up on your shoes when they were rockin’ a solid BAC of .25 on St. Patrick’s Day a couple months ago. They might find love in a hopeless place in the form of your basic ass white friend taking them on a high class date to Fuzzy’s.
2.) Make sure to let them know that there is a Starbucks and Jittery Joe’s within a 5-mile radius of your home:
Talk about living in the perfect location! They won’t have to worry at all about getting those caffeine withdrawal shakes. They don’t drink coffee? It’s just because they haven’t taken a UGA course yet. They’ll be injecting the coffee straight into their veins once their first final comes around.
1.) Mention that you once saw Jake Fromm in an area close to your place of residence:
We don’t know exactly what he was doing there, but it’s safe to assume that he could’ve been looking for a new place of residence and that said residence COULD be right next door to your room. Obviously, since nobody is going to pass up the chance to live next to one of UGA’s sweetest bois, this is the best statement to start off with.
These seven convincing factors will guarantee a subleaser in a matter of days. If not, then you’re probably lame anyways. May your bills get paid, checking account get fat, and blunts get rolled thicc this summer.
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