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Shit You’re Just Too Old for at GVSU

Maybe you’re one of the GVSU upperclassmen, maybe you’re a nontraditional student, either way, there’s been some GV happening that’s made you roll your eyes and realize you need to get the hell out of Grand Valley. Here’s the shit you realize you’re just too old for these days:

10.)  Meijer Mania:

Do you even know when it is anymore or notice when it happens? There are too many screaming youngsters playing weird games to get free plastic sunglasses and Meijer-branded highlighters. What was fun that one time you actually went has become an annoyance and a sure way to ruin your wannabe quick shopping trip for Pizza Rolls and Pop-Tarts.

9.) Buying a poster, drug rug, or tapestry from the dudes by the clock tower:

A poster isn’t worth $20, plus you don’t have bland cement walls to awkwardly tape one to. Where would you wear a drug rug? Nowhere, that’s where. You can’t bend for yoga so a tapestry is definitely out of your home decor. Mentally screaming “YOU’RE IN MY WAY” means you’re indeed too old for this crap.

8.) Hammocking in the Arboretum:

You know these people, the ones who actually drive to campus for the purpose of laying in a weird plastic tarp of a hammock from two scrawny trees. You judge them when you see them anywhere around campus and give a snarl. Just stay at home and hammock! Don’t even bother trying to be cool with these weirdos, you’ll just hurt your back even more.

7.) Group projects:

Every class at GVSU is expected to instill a group project somewhere in their syllabus. When you’re an upperclassman though, especially over 22, you realize you don’t have time for these punk-ass kids and their shenanigans of “forgetting” to do their section until 2 a.m. the night before or “not seeing” your mail.gvsu emails.

6.) A Meal plan:

Is it cheaper to use a “meal” from your meal plan at Kirkhof’s Subway or just swipe your credit card? If you have a credit card, you’re too old for a meal plan; mom and dad have given up on helping you survive. You’re old enough to suffer and stress about living paycheck to paycheck!  Yeah, ramen noodles are ruining your insides, but it’s cheaper and more adulty than a meal plan.

5.) Campus Life Night:

Sure, when you’re a freshman or sophomore, Campus Life Night is great, but once you reach a certain point, the whole activity just wastes your time. You already know what clubs are on campus, and you’ve got a million better things to do than worm your way through a crowd of freshmen for a keyring, like seeing if five 5-hour Energy drinks give you 25 consecutive hours of energy.

4.) Kleiner:

There’s no “good” place to eat on campus, but no one can deny that Kleiner at least has options. However, after your freshman year, you outgrow the mediocre food there. You come to the realization that Kleiner is right in the middle of Freshmanland, and the last thing you want to do is go back to Qdoba where they keep tortilla strips free-ballin’ in a metal drawer beneath the register.

3.) Family Weekend:

As a freshman, it’s fun to have your family come up and see the beautiful campus which will hopefully compensate for your disastrous dorm room (but rarely ever does). However, there are only so many years you can show off campus before it gets old. Then what? Drive half an hour just to get to Target? After sophomore year, your parents will probably just save the gas and call instead.

2.) LIB 100 events:

If you’re anything other than a freshman taking LIB 100, you need to reevaluate some life choices. At least there’s an abundance of events available to count towards those sweet, sweet cultural credits. However, it’s obvious that the only people ever going to those events are LIB 100 students so you won’t learn much. At this point, you’d have more fun binging TEDtalks on YouTube.

1.) Riding the Rapid:

In theory, having a bus system to take you to and from campus all the way to downtown GR sounds incredible. In reality, the Rapid never runs on time and perpetually smells like piss. Even if you have to ride buses in and out of campus each day, it never gets easier with your aching back, stepped-on feet, and sheer lack of tolerance for untimeliness and other people.

At some point the “convenience” and seemingly happy-fun-good-times no longer outweighs the annoyance and time consumption. Your daily mantra  is already or is about to be: “I’m too old for this shit.”


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