We’ve all thought about hopping on Grand Valley’s wrecking ball, but only a few students have the balls to actually do it. It’s every student’s dream to experience the thrill firsthand, but there are only 4 possible results of living out that dream of mounting it:
4.) Wasting Time Building Up the Strength to Jump a Two-Foot-Tall Fence for Nothing:
Spending three-days working out at the gym to build up the strength to jump a two-foot-tall fence was pointless; especially when you live all the way across campus. Your weak ass still took twenty minutes just to make it over. An additional fifteen was wasted trying to figure out how to hop on and stay on. When you finally gripped it right, you didn’t even have the strength to start moving the ball. You just sat there. Everything about the wrecking ball was a sheer disappointment and so are you.
3.) Running Over as Many Saginaw Valley and Ferris State Supporters as Possible:
When the ball breaks down because you’ve refused to go to the gym for the last 20 years, use it to your advantage by running over every person who’s wearing Saginaw Valley or Ferris State gear. They deserve to be run over by a giant ball. That’ll be the most action they’ll get all year. Then when you need to find a place to stop, slam into that useless brick wall full of “Trump 2016” posters.
2.) Having to Spend Your Summer at Saginaw Valley:
Not all outcomes are as exciting as running over and killing a bunch of people, but at least you can gain some street cred from getting arrested. The only down side is, you’ll be shipped off to Saginaw Valley for the rest of the summer where you’ll be forced to sit in a cell full of inbred Sag Nasty’s. This will give you the time to reflect on how you should start pursuing real dreams that won’t get you locked up, like actually making it to graduation someday. There’s a reason for the fence surrounding the wrecking ball, and it’s not because it’s part of the sculpture. It’s common sense people; get some.
1.) Miley Cyrus Bringing You On Tour as Her Professional Wrecking Ball Stunt Double:
When Miley Cyrus takes you under her wing when you become an overnight Internet sensation, don’t question it. Sign your life away with a ten-year contract. Your newly bought 30-acre home will have just enough room to hold all your treasure trunks full of marijuana, cocaine, and Jack Daniels Tomorrows paper will highlight your achievement as “the first person to become a success story after breaking the law and jumping on the campus wrecking ball.” Now that’s great PR.
Now it’s time to figure out if you have the balls to actually get on it. More than one of these may happen to you; however, it’s highly recommended not to get arrested and sent off to Saginaw Valley.