Over the summer, Grand Valley has been taking on several projects in order to improve every students experience. With several different investors taking part in the campus expansions, they’re able to create the most modern and necessary amenities that all students will have access to. There are 5 buildings that GVSU will be constructing this summer:
Location: Attached to the student services building.
Purpose: To allow even the horniest of college students to have sex whenever they please in an almost fully soundproof room. You’ll no longer have to deal with your roomie creepily baby talking to their suitors in the middle of the night.
Description: More than 100 rooms have been installed in this modern building. Either an individual, couple or threesome may book a room online for an hour at a time. Toys will be available, including: handcuffs, whips, vibrators, and more. Protection will be placed outside every room.
Warning: Grand Valley will not be responsible for health issues that arise due to the use of one of these room. This includes, but not limited to: depression, herpes, chlamydia or pregnancy.
Violence-Free Parking Lot
Location: Lot P, K and D.
Purpose: To create parking spaces so that students won’t have to wake up at the crack of dawn and drive to school just to get into a brawl with another student at the chance to get one that’s legal. The bloodstained parking lots are bad for business.
Description: A five level parking garage will be constructed in these three separate parking lots. The first four levels of each will be for staff only and will never be fully filled, but we feel it’s necessary in order to continue to give students parking tickets that they only have one level in each garage.
Tit-Free Food Market
Location: Fresh will be torn down and the Really Fresh Market will be built in its place.
Purpose: To serve food that is actually organic instead of the “all natural” turkey breast crap that made all your male floor mates grow tits. Anthony isn’t really working those double D’s.
Description: This one floor market will provide an endless supply of fruit because nowhere else on campus does that. Additionally, organic vegetables and substantial meals will be available for purchase; however, everything will be a meal plus 10 debit dollars.
Lung Cancer Collection Space
Location: Bottom of the Ravines.
Purpose: To allow smokers to meet one another, and to stop suffocating nonsmokers.
Description: This building will be the only place on campus students aren’t prohibited from smoking. A 3-year jail sentence will be enacted to all students, staff and visitors who smoke outside this building. A second offense will result in transferring you to Ferris so that you can use your addiction for good by allowing them to breath in your nicotine and join you on your fast-tracked dying journey.
Location: Across from GVPD.
Purpose: To allow cops to move all the drunk college students they find into one building
Description: This one-floor building will hold 100 beds, but some students may choose to collapse on the soft, featherlike, and puke-stained floor, instead. For the ones that are still alive, bagels will be thrown at them to consume as they experience the sensation of sex while biting into one. Furthermore, a disco ball and DJ will be present to wear out the students until they reach full unconsciousness, if they haven’t already.
These five buildings will be completed by the end of summer 2016. Tweet @GVSUConstruction to keep up with the progress of the buildings and to reserve a spot for the upcoming fall semester.