That’s right, Lakers: our beloved T. Haas is retiring and leaving us come summer of 2019. Those fortunate enough to graduate before then won’t have to experience a life at GVSU without him and more importantly, won’t have to go through the hardships of getting accustomed to a stranger infiltrating campus. There will obviously never be a replacement for our little prince, but we need to start considering our options. Here are a few candidates that MIGHT+ have a chance of living up to our hero:
6.) One of the Obamas:
Imagine Barrack’s soothing voice welcoming new Lakers to Grand Valley, or stopping around campus for some selfies. Imagine watching Michelle’s toned arms as you shake her hand upon graduating. Or imagine Malia, who would without a doubt be one of the chilliest presidents we could have. Regardless of political alignment, any one of the Obamas would be a good look for GVSU.
The Caped Crusader could take a break from protecting Gotham and protect the sacred grounds of Allendale. The Dark Knight could parade around campus in style, cape flowing in the wind that plagues us, and the Batarangs, though dangerous, are cool. We’d just have to make sure to specify that we don’t want Ben Affleck.
4.) Jesus Christ:
The only other person that could maybe measure up to T. Haas is the actual lord and savior. Jesus can walk on water, which would come in handy during the spring when all of campus is fucking drowning. Plus, he’d have a team of twelve apostles behind him helping him make the best decisions for campus.
3.) Louie the Laker:
Louie would have to prove his professionalism, but he’s a pretty logical option to rise up as T. Haas’s successor. He knows the way of the land (and the sea), he’d have the people’s support, and he obviously exemplifies everything that is being a Laker. Plus he’s a natural at taking selfies, so he’d make an excellent choice!
2.) The Ghost of George Washington:
The entire student body would have to come together and summon his ghost, but maybe it’d be worth the possible demon interactions? I mean, Washington was a smart guy and he would do a great job keeping up a well-oiled machine for the important stuff, like Battle of the Valleys.
1.) Michael Scott:
Former regional manager of the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin would really excel here. His people skills and optimistic attitude would be able to combat the student body’s overwhelming grief over T. Haas’s departure, taking us from full-fledged depression to chronic sadness.
While there is no one on this Earth that will be able to replace our president, these candidates are the closest we may ever get to perfection again. There still may be time to convince him to stay forever, but we need to start planning for the cold, bleak, Haas-less future.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: