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Grand Valley State

6 Certificates You Deserve Just for Sticking it Out at GV for Four Years

GVSU is an esteemed university whose degrees show future employers we are serious about our studies. However, some degrees don’t carry as much weight in the real world as others (we’re looking at you, art majors). While some people are engaged in clubs and volunteering or maybe have a couple job opportunities lined up after graduation, some of us could use a boost to the resume. If that’s you, here are some certificates you deserve just for sticking it out at GV:

6.) White Water Raft Guide:
Anyone who has been on GV’s campus after it sprinkled for three minutes knows we experience extreme flooding. The walk from Mak to Kirkhof is a long and treacherous one, and only the truly skilled and those in desperate need of participation points survive. The White Water Raft Guide certification shows people how dedicated you are to your priorities, and that you help those in need.

5.) Beer Judge:
While Allendale is incredibly dry and boring, Grand Rapids is only a 50 bus away. The amount of freshly turned 21-year-olds that give up the fun of cheap vodka to drink more sophisticated drinks, like craft beers that combine hints of shoe polish and sweaty rec center sock, is insanely high. If you consider yourself to be a beer connoisseur, the Beer Judge certificate is rightfully yours.

4.) Bounty Hunter:
The parking patrol is awful. Because of their job, they probably lose most, if not all, of their friend group and become isolated, making them even more bitter and hand out more tickets. Because their quality of life only deteriorates the longer they remain employed, they should receive an honorary Bounty Hunter certification. Their skills of tracking down lawbreakers never cease to amaze as you come back to your car that you left for two fucking minutes in the faculty section outside of MIP with thirteen tickets on the dash.

3.) National Career Readiness:
Grand Valley likes to boast about how many of their graduates find jobs and careers once they receive their diploma, so why not put their money where their mouth is? The National Career Readiness certificate is given to people who pass three standardized tests exactly like the ACT, but us Lakers have received such a quality education that we just know all of us are career ready!

2.) Ordained Ministers:
Being in a GV club means you are in a fraternity/sorority, or you like God A LOT. The spiritual Lakers that joined one of the thousands of the religious clubs on campus should be able to be recognized as honorary ordained ministers upon graduation. It’s truly an honor to be able to marry all the impulsive students who just know they’ve found the one right here in Allendale.

1.) Doctor of Metaphysics:
Metaphysics, for those of you who don’t know, is a branch of philosophy that deals with questions about our being, time, and space. While everyone has definitely questioned their purpose in life or if they belong at college, no one questions the metaphysics of the world quite like the stoners that smoke in the ravines. All you have to do is spend ten minutes hiking around down there and you’ll either stumble upon some forgotten paraphernalia or people in super unnatural “act natural” poses. 

While a degree in Therapeutic Recreation or Dance might not be all that impressive all on its own, paired with a couple of these certificates they look pretty good. Graduation is right around the corner for our class of 2018, so start emailing T. Haas about how you have damn well earned these certificates and demand to receive one of them!




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