You’d be amazed at what you’ll find in the abyss of the “Grand Valley.” Winter is hitting pretty hard right now, leaving weird GVSU relics buried in the ravines. No one knows what treasures await us in the springtime, but we do have a few predictions:
6.) PBR Cans:
Sometimes you pour one out for the homies; sometimes you get caught with a beer by campus PD on Little Mac, and you’ve just got to chuck it and run. Either way, a few of these aluminum bad boys are going to float their way down the ravines this spring.
5.) Inspirational “you can do it!” notes:
Going into finals, we all had moments of extreme motivation. One can only hope that as the Adderall kicks your brain into overdrive that some post-its on the side of your laptop could remind you to study for your exams instead of reading 65 random facts about taxidermy. Near the end of this painful time, all those sticky notes got cast into the ravines. It’s okay though, by the time spring really hits, you won’t even remember what classes you took last semester.
4.) Purity rings:
The end of the fall semester is always a scary time for the freshman. You find out you and your high school sweetheart don’t really have the same interests anymore. You know, like hobbies or careers or not banging their RA. 2017 was a good year for it though! Which is why you’ll find those shiny promise rings cast into the ravine, with Ed Sheeran lyrics still etched into the gold paint.
3.) Failed final exams:
Despite those sticky notes, many Lakers inevitably still weren’t up to par on their finals. Don’t worry. If you’re reading this, you’re still in school and that academic probation letter didn’t scare you. You weren’t alone though, and a gaggle of frozen finals will wash into the Grand come March.
2.) Free stuff from football games:
After a few football games, it’s easy to realize that you might not need 3 scarves and every t-shirt from the surrounding housing complexes. It’s great that they offer so many incentives to stand in the cold for an hour before watching the football team destroy their opponents, but man, laundry is expensive. Eventually, that extra shirt is going to blow off your shoulder to be found by some artsy “hiker” in the Ravines this spring.
1.) Fruit from Fresh:
We’re not sure when this tradition started, but folks have been taking bits of fruit from Fresh and flinging them at the apartments nearby. As a genuine show of masculinity, we can only assume that this is some sort of primal mating ritual by this post-millennial generation. Or maybe people like throwing fruit. Either way, some genetic monsters are bound to toss some fruit into the Ravine, which will make a nice snack to stave off death when you inevitably get lost down there after failing midterms.
You can entertain your delusion of being a treasure hunter this semester. You know, once you’ve given up on your current career path. While you’re down there, maybe look for some of your hopes and dreams, they’re always in the last place you look.
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